


What is it about rogue mages?

by kamiyu910



Category: Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Being Lost, Depressing, Drama, F/M, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 09:33:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 30,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16365335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamiyu910/pseuds/kamiyu910
Summary: I wrote this a while back for NaNoWriMo, it's as done as it's going to get, just to warn you, but it ends with closure, no cliff hangers or anything, and figured I should post it. It's about Jocelyn from Earth who gets sent to Ferelden and runs into a rogue mage, Stefen, trying to get a group of people to Denerim, where they end up staying until Stefen gets recruited into the Grey Wardens, leaving Jocelyn alone until Anders. Basically, she gets pregnant by Anders, a friend drags her to Kirkwall to avoid the Blight, the Chantry takes the baby because the friend warned them that the child was the product of an apostate, and Jocelyn spends time trying to find her baby...





	1. Chapter 1

Jocelyn de Montfort stretched as she woke up, the sun shining in on her, then she curled up under her blue velvet and satin comforter, not wanting to wake up just then. She groaned as her alarm went off again and got up, turning the annoying thing off and crawled painfully slow out of her bed like a slug. She was a girl of simple wants; to sleep in every day and to not be alone. Unfortunately for her, she couldn't have either one, though it was a lot easier to sleep in on the weekends. She just could never get anyone to sleep over. The one time she tried to have a roommate, it ended in disaster with the roommate robbing her blind. Even at twenty-three, she was still a virgin, having never even had a boyfriend, and she was so lonely she considered moving back in with her parents. For some reason, she could never keep friends. It wasn't that she was mean, or spiteful, she was just... weird. People would tell her she was a sweet girl and a good friend, and then they'd either betray her in some fashion or just disappear from her life.

  
Even at work, while most of her coworkers were friendly to her, after work they all went their separate ways. Jocelyn was never invited anywhere except to the work parties where she ended up standing in a corner by herself feeling far too awkward. Her mom couldn't understand it and kept telling Jocelyn to get out more, go to church groups, be more active in the community, but Jocelyn had tried, and failed. She figured she just wasn't the type of person who was meant to have a social life or friends.

She needed coffee. She wiped the sleep from her eyes as she shuffled into the kitchen. She needed to get a move on it if she was going to get to the Dickens Festival before noon, something else she couldn't get anyone to go to. She'd had so much fun the previous year when she was able to go with her whole family. This year, even her only friend, Janie, was busy. She had spent far too much money on her dress, though, so she couldn't just not go. She stared into the cabinet for a few minutes before pulling out the coffee and some bread for toast. After she was done eating, she took a shower and brushed out her long auburn hair, her sleepy blue eyes staring back at her through the mirror.

  
The next thing was to get dressed. She pulled up her black stockings just above the knee and attached the garters to the belt to hold her stockings up. She then put on her bloomers, feeling uncomfortable by the fact they were basically chaps with no crotch, but knowing she wouldn't be able to use the bathroom without getting completely undressed otherwise. Next came the sleeveless chemise that went down to just above the knees and over that went the corset. Jocelyn knew she wouldn't be able to get it as tight as she should to be authentic, but considering she was dressing alone, it would have to do. She thanked her lucky stars she was able to get a custom corset, something that allowed her to still move while minimizing her waist. A working corset, she called it, unlike those clunky things she found online that didn't allow any movement because the sizes and measurements were off for mass production. After the corset, she put on five petticoats since she didn't have the money yet for one of those steel hoop skirts. She liked her petticoats, the way they swished around her legs. She then put on her bustle, which was more like a pillow that tied around her waist, and then a camisole over the corset.

  
Finally, she pulled out her dress. It was a nice pale teal dupioni silk with partial bell sleeves, many bows around the hem at the bottom, dyed rabbit fur trim around the sleeves, waist, up the chest, and down the train. The train wasn't too overdone, it had a few layers with bows for accents and rabbit fur trim, and the neck was high for a day time dress. It wasn't the easiest thing to get into, especially alone, but she managed to do it without damaging the dress. One she was settled, she saw her shoes. Pretty boots a darker shade than her dress with silver decorations and buttons going up the sides. They stood on one inch heels and had rabbit fur trim along the top as well. She had spent far too much money on the dress and matching boots, but she loved them.

They were surprisingly comfortable and if it wasn't such a hassle, she'd wear it every day. However, she usually put the shoes on before the dress and petticoats and now she was stuck having to fight with the skirts and corset to get her shoes on. After a vicious battle in which she almost didn't arise the victor, she lay panting on the bed before getting up to do her hair. She had already curled it into ringlets, she just needed to pin it up and put a bow and flowers in it, something simple yet elegant. She grabbed her handbag, gloves, a parasol, put on some jewelry and her chatelaine, grabbed a half-cloak and headed for the car.

  
The Dickens festival near Lake Perris was going to be amazing, she thought. She was so excited that she was finally ready to enter the outfit contest. She refused to call it a costume, it was far too fancy and authentic for that. A loud clap of thunder and the roar that followed made her jump, her heart racing as fast as the raindrops suddenly pouring down on her roof. Cursed storm, she never did like them. They always made her hair stand on end, and the rain would ruin her dress! Annoyed, she grabbed the bag of cookies off the counter and put her hand on the doorknob, preparing to run to the car as quickly as she could. What happened next was hard for her to make sense of. She felt her hair stand on end, her entire body tingling, and then she was thrown backwards with such a force that she blacked out.

 

* * *

 

Pain... sticks? Rocks digging into her face? Was she lying outside? No rain... Birds... she could hear birds. She moaned and slowly opened her eyes, not wanting to move. She was lying face down on the ground, sticks and rocks all over the place, and she had no idea where she was or what had happened. She urged herself to get up, but it was an effort, especially in her dress. Oh her poor dress... She frowned as she looked it over, seeing snags in the beautiful silk fabric. Brushing the dirt off angrily, she looked around. There were tall pine trees and other trees that looks similar to oak or cottonwood, and while where she was standing, the ground was brown, there was a lot of grass as well. In fact, it looked like she was on a trail of some sort.

She picked up her bag of cookies and looped the ties around her wrist with her handbag, hooked her parasol over her arm, put on her gloves and cloak and headed off hoping to find some something to make sense of the place. As she walked, she felt her skirts catching on brambles and sticks, so she gathered them up as best she could and marched on. She may be dressed like a prissy girl, but she was a survivor at heart and she wouldn't let her clothing get the better of her.

The longer she traveled the more convinced she was she was on a trail that was commonly used. It wasn't very wide, but the ground was beaten down by feet from both human and what looked like horse. She caught a glimpse of something shiny beneath a bush so she investigated, reeling back as she uncovered a skeleton with a dagger sticking out of its chest. After her initial shock, she pulled the dagger out and examined the body. She guessed it was a male by the clothing, though probably a young one since the skeleton was small and delicate, more feminine. The body had a belt on with a few pouches that she couldn't help but rummage through, feeling like she was desecrating the corpse.

She found a couple bottles full of red liquid, some with blue liquid, a letter that she was surprised she could read, and another dagger in a sheath. The letter was just a simple “hi how are you” type thing, but she put it in her purse anyway. Feeling like it was a necessary thing, she took the belt off and hoisted her skirts so she could buckle it on underneath without being noticed. For some reason, she didn't feel like being seen as someone who could protect herself. She brushed herself off and went to go, but her dress snagged on the foot of the skeleton and dislodged it, revealing a pouch underneath. Looking inside, she was surprised to see gold coins mixed with silver. There were a total of one-hundred and eighty-seven gold and seventy-nine silvers. She hid that under her skirts too, thinking that it was probably a great deal of money that she didn't want to get stolen, and took off down the path, feeling bizarre and lost.

Hauling her dress around was making her so tired and thirsty, she stopped to listen for running water. A faint yell up ahead caught her attention instead and she hurried her pace, hoping to catch up to whoever it was. The closer she got, the more she was able to understand in the argument. It seemed there were multiple people arguing about where to go and she noticed they all had English accents. One man yelled he needed to get to Redcliffe immediately and they didn't have time to go all the way to Denerim first. Redcliffe? Denerim? She had no idea where those places were and was beginning to regret her decision to meet up with these people. But, regrets never stopped her, so she plodded on until she came to a clearing where a large group of people stood gathered, staring at a man in a strange robe.

He was holding a staff and his brown hair was unkempt and shaggy, falling into his face. Jocelyn thought his robe was quite nice and surprisingly didn't look like a dress at all. It was a soft darker blue with a black reinforced waist attached with a golden belt buckle. It was long sleeved, something she figured was necessary with how cold it was, and had a cowl that was hooked with a golden latch at the collarbone. He must have been twenty years old at best, just a kid like her, but he was facing the crowd of angry people with a lot of confidence. The crowd was full of people dressed in simple medieval style dress, just simple pants, a shirt and vest for the men and a simple one piece gown with no body to it, just straight down, with a leather bodice for the women. Jocelyn suddenly felt very out of place in her large poofy dress.

"We cannot go to Redcliffe, it's in the opposite direction of Denerim." The man with the staff was saying, sounding much calmer than he had before. "If you want to break away and go there yourself, I will not stop you. Just be warned there have been darkspawn spotted near Lothering, so the area isn't safe."

"It's just two day's journey!" One of the men said.

"And we are less than a day and a half's journey to Denerim." Jocelyn decided she liked the leader. "As I said before, I'm going to Denerim. You are free to follow, or take your chances and go to Redcliffe." Jocelyn wondered why it'd be so imperative that the man with the staff go to Redcliffe with them. It almost seemed like the people were afraid to go without him. She thought there might be twenty people at most, including a few small children. She adjusted her weight and snapped some twigs to alert them to her presence, dropping her skirts in the process. The leader aimed his staff at her like it was a gun and at first glance he glared at her, but then became confused.

"Who are you and what would a lady of your stature be doing out near South Reach?" He kept his staff at the ready as if he expected her to attack.

She frowned, then decided it would be in her best interest to act a little like her Dickens character. "I was kidnapped!" She exclaimed, throwing her free hand in the air with exasperation. "I was on my way to a party and the next thing I know, I'm lying face down in the dirt, out here in the middle of nowhere!"

"We can't take another person with us, we're almost out of food!" Another man yelled out. "Besides, look at her dress, she'll only slow us down." Jocelyn scowled at him.

"Fine then, I wouldn't want to travel with the likes of you anyway." She hitched up her skirts, then looked around. "If you would be so kind as to tell me which way it is to Denerim and I'll be on my way." Bloody peasants were as stuck up as she was supposed to be. The leader laughed and set his staff on his back.

"My lady, you are a bold one to travel the road alone when darkspawn have been spotted!" He said as he walked up to her. "My name is Stefen Amell, and I am a mage." He winked at her. A mage? Was he for real or was he just like a witch doctor?

She sniffed indignantly, but then curtsied. "I am Jocelyn de Montfort, good sir, and were it under different circumstances, I'd say it's a pleasure to meet you. But frankly, I would much rather be elsewhere and if no one here will have me, then I will take my leave of you."

"No no, please join us." Stefen glared at the group who then grumbled, but didn't speak up against it. "We're not so far that another person will hinder us that much."

"If it helps, I do have some food." Jocelyn held up the bag of cookies. "They were for the party, but this is a good enough setting, provided these people don't want to have my head."

"Oh don't mind them, we've been out here for a while, trying to make it somewhere safe. I don't know what we'll do if we don't make it to Denerim soon." Stefen shrugged. "But, I am curious. What kind of food would you have in a bag that is suitable for a noble's party?"

She grinned in response. "Cookies! Chocolate chip to be exact." It was as if she said a magic word as she watched the children perk up and look to her expectantly.

"Oh mummy, please may we?" A little girl tugged at her mother's sleeve. Jocelyn handed the bag to Stefen.

"Consider it a peace offering, if you will." Jocelyn said, smiling a little. How fortuitous she was able to bring the cookies with her! The group was suddenly interested, giving her suspicious sidelong glances. She was thankful she had made more than enough for the group, leaving everyone a bit happier.

"Maker, these are amazing! I've never tasted such food before." One of the women exclaimed while the rest of the group murmured in agreement. Jocelyn realized that if they were in a setting like medieval Europe, then things like chocolate chip cookies were not a common occurrence, especially among the peasants. Cakes and cookies would be a special occasion thing, and not many would have access to a proper oven or recipe in the first place. With that money she found, she was probably fairly rich, too, depending on how the money system worked. She sighed. They probably assumed she was rich just by her dress anyway, so she wasn't sure how to play it off. Robbed and kidnapped? Or just not mention it? And what was she going to do when they arrived at Denerim? She supposed she could just go on her own separate way, but since she had no idea where anything was, she had no cover story. She'd have to listen and contrive something.

They traveled most of the day and there was much grumbling. One child in particular began to whine about the cold and Jocelyn could tell the mother couldn't do anything for her, so Jocelyn took her cloak off and wrapped it around the little girl's shoulders. It was a full cloak on her and would keep her warm. Without her cloak, though, Jocelyn's dress was fully visible with all its ruffles and bows and she noticed some of the women staring a lot more. They kept up their pace for a long time until they had to stop and rest for the night. Jocelyn wasn't looking forward to sleeping in the dirt, but there wasn't much she could do.

She found the best tree she could to snuggle up to, realizing that she was a good distance from the others. Would it matter?

"My lady, you'll freeze over here." Stefen said. "The others won't bite, come join them. At least get a little closer to the fire."

"This tree had the best roots." She said. "But you have a point, staying warm is preferable to freezing." After she'd gotten settled at the foot of another tree closer to the fire, she could feel Stefen watching her.

 

* * *

 

Come morning, they set out, and after a few hours, needed to let the children rest again, and eat. Stefen said he could see a glimpse of Denerim up ahead, so they shouldn't rest too long. Jocelyn was still far too nervous and excited to be hungry, so she passed on the meager amount of food they offered her. The woman who had offered it looked at Jocelyn with a strange expression before giving it to a child. Perhaps they weren't used to such treatment from a "noble." How were nobles supposed to act here? Snobbish, probably. What if she had thought Jocelyn refused the food out of not wanting to touch peasant food? Was it an insult? As she stared after the woman, she felt a hand grab her by the arm and pull her away. Stefen took her a bit away from the others before stopping and staring at her.

"Orlesian by the look, but you sound like the elves." He said. She had to stop herself from reacting to the word 'elves' and made herself think about what he'd said about Orlesian.

"Is this a problem?" She asked.

He smiled and it made her uncomfortable. "Oh, no, not at all. I just have my suspicions, is all. See, we don't have many Orlesians here, and certainly none who speak with your accent. So I'm left to assume you must be an impostor, someone who stole an Orlesian gown and possibly identity. Jocelyn de Montfort is certainly an Orlesian name, after all..."

"And so you think that just because my accent is different means I must not be Orlesian." Jocelyn's voice thick with sarcasm. "It couldn't have to do with anything else."

"Are you daft? Only poor people and elves have your accent!" He was growing irate. "There is no way you could be a Montfort."

"Well I am, and I always have been, whether my social status recognized it at first or not! This dress is mine, I paid for it with my own money, my name is mine, I was born with it, and no one will take them from me." She glared at him, hoping to sound more confident than she was. Apparently de Montfort was an actual surname of a noble family! What if she'd gone back in time and those were her real relatives? She was not going to let some little hedge wizard stop her from claiming her heritage. He seemed taken aback by her outburst, then looked thoughtful.

"I beg your pardon, my lady." He said, though she couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not. "If that is indeed the case, then many apologies. And I suppose it isn't any wonder why you were kidnapped and dumped out here! Tell me, then, were you kidnapped in Orlais or were you here visiting Ferelden?" Inside she was cheering. He had given her exactly what she needed, unless it was a trap...

"From Orlais." She said cautiously. "They kept me drugged or maybe perhaps magic? I don't remember the trip at all."

"So what do you plan to do now?" He asked.

"Be extra cautious and lay low. I don't need assassins after me next." She said. "If someone wants me gone, then so be it." He raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, so that's it then? You'll let them win?" She smirked in response and stayed quiet, letting him come to his own conclusion. "Ah, I see. Well, keep me in mind if you need any help!" He wandered back to the group and called for them to head out again. As they walked, she thought deeply. What was she going to do? Only she knew the truth, that there weren't any people after her, that she was from another time and place, and that she wasn't actually poor. So, she was from Orlais... She'd have to find a map and figure out what area. Perhaps the people of Ferelden weren't too educated on geography. As long as she stayed away from the higher class, she should be fine and perhaps even figure out how to get back home. She imagined her family at least would start missing her eventually...

The sun was getting low when they entered Denerim and Jocelyn was entranced by the place. People were closing up shop in the market and others were setting up torches to light the circle. Most of the people she had traveled with went on their separate ways, but Stefen stuck by her. It surprised her, since he hadn't seemed too fond of her, so she figured it had to be because she was strange and alone in a new land.

"I know it doesn't compare to anything you must have seen in Orlais, but it's still pretty grand!" He said, smiling as he looked around. The buildings were made of stone and wood and they formed a circle with a large tent in the center where they held the market. There were so many booths and people, she was sad they had come so late.

"It's probably better during the day." She said, hoping she didn't sound as overwhelmed as she was. It certainly looked like a medieval world... Nothing at all like what she was used to. Even the renaissance faires she'd been to had an air of modern-ness to them, especially with all the 'turkeys' running around amidst those dressed up. Well, that and the fact that there were 'fairies' and other bizarre fantasy costumes that really didn't help with the atmosphere... Which was one of the main reasons she had started attending the Dickens festival and others like it more. Now she was in a place that wasn't like either, a time before those other two... a time before so much... She prayed she wouldn't get sick.

Stefen shrugged. "I prefer the night life. And if you're to start a new life, then maybe you should get to know the night life better too!" She grimaced. She could only imagine it was full of booze and sex and with her being female and all... There wasn't much for her in a world like this, where she probably couldn't be who she wanted to be. The one thing she understood about being female in the past was that she was good for three things: making babies, looking pretty, and doing housework, and it really depended on what her social status was. She may have money, but she had been dropped a few pegs and needed to try to fit in with the lower working class. Was a single girl common here or would she be expected to find a man to care for her? She decided to burn that bridge when she came to it.

"First things first,” She said, “I'd like to get a new change of clothing, then find a room to stay the night in."

"Oh I know exactly where we can stay. Let me show you where you can get clothes. I'm guessing you can afford them?"

"I should have enough." She didn't want him to know how much she had yet. He nodded and started heading towards a store when she saw her first elf. Smaller in stature than a human, thin face, pointed ears... it was like looking at something from a story book. The eyes were especially different. The elf was dressed like everyone else, going about his business when she saw a human shove into him, knocking him down, and then the human began berating the elf.

"Watch where you're going, knife-ears, or next time I'll gut you!" The man yelled. Jocelyn rushed over, not thinking.

"Excuse me!" She was so angry. "That is incredibly rude! You were the one who shoved him!" The man was about to yell at her, but then stared at her, bewildered. The elf slowly got up and ran off. Stefen was yanking on her sleeve, but she was too busy glaring at the man.

"Well aren't you the uppity little thing!" The man growled. "Better tighten the leash on your woman, lest someone teach her some manners the hard way!" He spun on his heel and left.

"Are you trying to get yourself killed? Or worse?" Stefen hissed. Jocelyn stared after the man, feeling woozy from her anxiety.

"I... I'm sorry, I just can't stand seeing people being so mean."

"That was an elf, though!" Stefen grabbed her arm and started leading her away. "I don't know about where you're from, but here, elves are worse than dogs. Actually, we Fereldens treat our dogs like kings... bad example. But you get the idea, right? You can't stand up for them to humans, they are nothing here."

"That kind of treatment disgusts me." Jocelyn snarled. "Fine, I'll try to keep my mouth shut the next time..." She knew she wouldn't be able to. She followed him into the store and distracted herself with the clothing. She saw a row of beautiful fitted dresses similar to what the women in the group had been wearing. A particularly nice blue one caught her eyes. It had well stitched leather cuffs trimmed in a soft fur, with leather trim up the bust and around the neck with fur around the collar, and a leather underbust bodice. The skirt was a supple fabric, but sturdy, with a partial over skirt in a lighter color. She picked it up, noticing Stefen's look of amusement, as if she had picked out the most expensive dress they had.

She asked, "Not subtle enough for your tastes?"

"Hey, I'm not the one in hiding!" He grinned.

"Look at what I'm wearing, do you honestly think I know subtle?" She grinned back. He shrugged and pulled out a simpler brown dress, one she thought was pretty drab, with no fur. The leather bodice and trim blended in with the color of the fabric, which was nowhere near as soft. Was she really so spoiled that she was going to be picky about that? She sighed and took the dress, trying not to look so disappointed. She glared at Stefen, who was laughing at her. They had a small area in the back that was curtained off so she could change, something she wasn't looking forward to. As she struggled with her dress, she heard Stefen laughing even more.

"Do you need any help in there?" He called. She grumbled.

"No!" She yelled. "I can get out just fine, thank you!" So unladylike! She would have had to get out herself at home anyway, she might as well do it here too. Once she managed to get the dress off, she folded it up neatly and set it to the side. The petticoats, camisole and everything else was a lot easier to remove and she was once again amazed at how much room it took up. She left her stockings, knee length chemise and bloomers on, then slipped the new dress over her head. The bodice cinched in the back, but she was pretty used to that and was able to tighten it just fine without help.

The dress didn't feel near as bad as she expected and was surprised with how comfortable and practical it actually was. She took a gold coin, then shoved the coin pouch under the bodice to hide it and then buckled the belt back on, sticking the coin in one of the pouches. She looked down, dismayed a the bulge the coin purse made, so she begrudgingly put it in one of the belt pouches. She had no idea what she was going to do with all her things. They were so impractical but she couldn't just part with them. She had spent a great deal of time and money waiting to get the dress.

"Here, put these on." Stefen slid a pair of fur lined leather boots under the curtain to her. They were flat soled and much more comfortable than her Victorian shoes, but she was yet again conflicted on what to do with her shoes. It was possible someone would buy the gown and shoes from her, but it was made for her body type, on a machine. No, she couldn't let the dress or the shoes go. Unpinning her hair and pulling out the hair tie, she ran her fingers through her hair, finding there were sticks and leaves stuck in it, and tried to get the knots out. Braiding it was the best thing she could think of and was grateful she had used a hair tie that morning instead of just pins. She then folded everything up as neatly as possible and opened the curtain.

"Well, how's this?" She asked. Stefen was still smirking, but he looked a lot more satisfied.

"I suppose that'll do." He said, walking over to her. "Now you'll just have to act like a peasant, rather than a noble. The way you carry yourself? Anyone can tell you aren't lower class and that will raise suspicion."

"Are you serious?" She asked, incredulous. "How am I supposed to learn how to change my bearing? Is my speech wrong as well?"

"Hey, if you want to be an easy target, be my guest, but I've been around long enough to know that easy targets don't last long, and peasants who act noble don't even last that long." She bristled, but understood he was right. She just didn't know how to act like a peasant.

"I... have no idea how to even start changing..." She looked back at her gown. "Do you think they have a bag I can put my dress in?"

"You really know nothing of starting fresh, do you?"

"Look, I worked hard getting that dress and it was my first time ever wearing it, I don't want to just abandon it now." She couldn't give it up, it was too important to her. The last link to her world... And because of that, she couldn't let them see the fine stitching done by a machine. If she had to bury it in the woods, then so be it, but it was leaving with her. "I must take it. If it gets me killed, then it was meant to happen." His expression told her he thought she was absolutely insane, but he wasn't about to argue with her. He found the proprietor and asked for a bag and one was quickly procured. As she gently put her dress in the bag, Stefen got really close to her.

"I hope you have enough money to pay for this." He whispered.

"I do." She laughed. "At least I'm fairly certain I have enough..."

"Good, because I barely have enough to cover our room for the night." Jocelyn tied the bag shut, making sure she hadn't missed anything, then walked towards the counter to pay. On her way, she saw a beautiful black fur lined cloak. It was so soft she just wanted to curl up in it.

"What do you think, not subtle enough?" Her tone showed how much she wanted it but knowing she probably couldn't. The pity in his eyes confirmed it. He pulled out a simple wool cloak with fur trim and handed it to her. She took it with her to the counter and the proprietor looked at everything.

"So the dress, boots, and cloak? That it?" The woman asked. Jocelyn nodded. "That'll be thirty-five silver." Now was the test of money... She hoped a gold piece was enough to cover that.

"I have this." She pulled out the coin and dropped it on the counter, causing Stefen to gape. The proprietor frowned and counted out sixty-five silver.

"Now I suppose I'll have to figure out how to get rid of this." She heard the woman mumble as she turned away. So a gold was equivalent to a hundred silver... with her one-hundred and eighty-seven gold... She felt her mouth go dry and her heart stop. If an entirely new outfit was only thirty-five silver, she was bloody rich. She could not let anyone know. She had no idea how Stefen would react if even just one made his mouth open like that. He waited until they were outside before quietly yelling at her.

"Weren't sure you had enough?" She wasn't sure why he seemed so angry. "What, are prices that jacked up in Orlais that an entire sovereign wouldn't be enough? Or were you just playing with me? How much money do you even have?" She definitely did not want to tell him...

"You saw how much I have!" She cried. "Why are you attacking me?"

"Never mind, let's just get to the inn." He set a pace that was almost too fast for her to keep up and she wondered why he was so adamant on staying with her if she made him so angry. They walked in silence until they got to a building. He glanced back at her carrying her large bag, shook his head, then entered. The building was noisy inside with a bunch of people gathered to eat and celebrate something. Stefen went right up to the counter and asked for a room, putting ten silver on the counter. The inn-keeper handed him a key and Stefen continued to ignore Jocelyn as he walked down a hallway.

She was tempted to not follow him... maybe pretend to be too distracted by all the dresses in the room or something else a woman would do. She didn't owe him anything, and if she did, she could just give him money to cover it since he seemed rather upset with her having any. Did he want her to be dependent on him? Was that what his problem was? She sighed and followed him at a distance. If he shut the door on her, then she'd be a lot happier. Or, maybe not happier, but less confused. As her luck would have it, he opened the door and waited for her with his arms crossed.

"Why are you so irritated with me, yet still trying to help me?" She asked. "I can just give you the silver for the room and some food and get my own place to stay. I don't need to, nor want to, stay with someone who's going to be a jerk to me." He was taken aback and opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out, so she continued. "I appreciate you wanting to help, but if I'm going to be a problem for you, that's another reason I should make my own way."

"N-no, no, that's... that's not it at all." He put a hand to his head as if in pain. "Get inside the room, we can talk in there." She glared at him as she entered, dropping her bag down in a corner. The room had a small little entry room with a couch and table with a hallway leading to the bedroom. A tiny room to her right appeared to be a bathroom of sorts, with a chamber pot. And she thought using the bathroom in the woods was bad, at least it was in the open air. To her dismay, there was only one bed, possibly a queen sized. Was he expecting to share the bed with her too? If so, she would sleep on the couch. With a dagger.

Stefen shut the door and locked it, then turned to Jocelyn. "Yes you irritate me. You're a bloody noble with more coin than I've ever had in my life, never having a hardship aside from deciding what dress to wear! You wouldn't know a plain peasant dress if it bit you, you have no idea what it's like to be poor! And even though you supposedly have assassins after you, you're still far too calm and not caring. How do I know that wasn't just a story? And how do I know you're not just working for the Templars, ready to turn me in at a moment's notice?" Templars? Turn him in? She was stunned.

"Ah... um, well, first off, I never actually said there were assassins after me, I just said I was kidnapped, and I was. But I'm kinda stuck on this whole 'turning you in' thing. Are you a criminal or something?"  
He stared at her, confused, before bursting out laughing. When he calmed down, he said, "I'm an apostate! You couldn't have thought I was a Circle mage allowed to roam around free, surely?" So they liked to keep track of their mages, which meant that he wasn't necessarily bad, he was just wanted for escaping a prison. Which probably meant his magical abilities were a bit stronger than she had suspected. She swallowed past the lump forming in her throat. She wasn't sure what he'd do to her if she ticked him off.

"I... suppose I hadn't thought of it..." She spoke quietly. "I don't want to turn you in, you have helped me, and others. It's my hope you continue to help people and not get caught. Were that we lived in a world where you wouldn't have to fear getting caught in the first place."

"You are a very strange woman." He said. "I have no idea what to make of you. One minute you act like a snotty noble, and then you show a level of humanity that's rare among any class of people. Even when we first met, and you handed out all your cookies. And then you refused the rations, and put your cloak on a little girl. She'll probably treasure that for her entire life. Dare I even mention the elf?" Jocelyn shifted uncomfortably, blushing, not liking the praise.

"It's just what any decent person would do." She muttered.

"But it's not." He pressed. "I may have never met an Orlesian noble before, but I have heard a great number of stories and not a one shows such empathy or humanity. Instead, there are a lot of intrigues and assassinations. How could you have survived for so long being as you are?"

She figured she might as well continue the fabrication as best she could. "I wasn't always noble... A bastard, if you will. I guess some people thought it'd be funny to force my father to recognize me. Perhaps they thought I would be an embarrassment. At first I kept quiet, but there's only so much I can take... Apparently there's only so much they can take as well."

"It's a wonder they didn't just outright kill you." He said. "But I suppose they're not all animals. Perhaps whoever kidnapped you had done so to save your life."

"That's a good point." By perpetuating her lie, she was never going to find out why she was really there, but she didn't trust the mage enough. If he suspected she was going to turn him in, there was no telling what he'd do to preserve his freedom. He had said it himself, even the decent people of the world wouldn't be so selfless has she had been. Being on the downtrodden side... Even in her own world when it came to survival, people would do a lot to just stay afloat. If he knew she wasn't even from his world, and if he knew how much money she had...

"Whatever the case may be, I'm hungry and I assume you are as well." He stood up and shouldered his staff again. "You should stay here and I'll go get us something." She quickly dug in her pouch and pulled out a handful of silver.

"Here, use this." She held her hand out to him, but he just stared at her suspiciously. "Please. Get yourself a drink or something too. I don't care. You deserve something." He slowly took the money and put it in his own pouch, then walked to the door.

"I'll be back soon." And with that, he was gone, leaving Jocelyn alone in the strange room. She figured it was a good enough time to find a hiding place for her other money, but she wasn't sure where. She didn't want to have to sleep with it, but she feared him finding it anywhere else. She ended up hiding the bag in one of her Victorian boots, then wadded up her camisole and shoved that in as well to keep it from making too much noise. She shoved the bag holding her dress and other things under the bed. What was she supposed to do while she waited? And how long was she supposed to wait? She figured she might as well get comfortable and perhaps take a nap. She took her new dress off, leaving on her chemise and bloomers after making sure they weren't see-through.

She started dozing off on the bed when she heard the door creak open. "Stefen?" She asked. He was carrying a bag and a tankard.

"Here, come eat." He smiled. "It's not much, but it's a lot more than I expected to get, thanks to you." He pulled out a warm loaf of bread, a small jar, and some dried meat. "I managed to find a bit of honey." He pushed the jar towards her, then pulled out another one. "And some butter. I know it's not the same standard of eating you're used to, but it's a lot better than many people get. I mean, look at the size of this loaf! And it's warm!" She smiled. She loved fresh bread more than anything, especially with honey and butter. Then he did a double take and stared at her, making her very uncomfortable. She should have left her dress on.

"I think it's wonderful, thank you." She smiled at him, feeling nervous. He just looked at her, questioningly.

"It's hard to tell if you're being courteous or honest."

"Honest. Fresh bread is the quickest way to my heart." She tore a chunk off and started eating, enjoying the heat. After not eating all day, it was the best thing she'd tasted in a long time. As her dad would say, perspective changes everything.  
After they'd eaten everything, she figured it be best to go to sleep, but being there was only one bed, she was unsure of how to broach the subject.

"So um, should I just sleep on the couch here then?" She finally asked.

"What? No!" Stefen said. "That bed is plenty big enough for the both of us." He grinned, but she just glared at him. "Hey, I don't bite. Hard." He winked.

"Why would you want to share the bed with a strange woman you only just met, anyway?" She asked.

"Have you see you?" He whistled. "Who wouldn't want to share a bed with that?"

"Even more reason for you to sleep on the couch then." She said, her heart beating far too hard. He pouted at her.

"Very well then... I suppose I'll take the couch then." He grumbled as she walked to the bed.

"I hope you sleep well." She said. The couch wasn't that bad, and perhaps the next day she would take it and let him have the bed. "And Stefen? Thank you. For everything." He smiled and shook his head.

"Good night, my lady." He said. She slipped into the bed, snuggling under the blankets. As the darkness closed in around her, she suddenly felt so alone and cold. The realization that she wasn't going to go home anytime soon hit her hard and she had no idea how to feel about it. Her friends, coworkers, her family... all gone. The only thing familiar was her dress, and she supposed she was feeling a bit attached to Stefen now, being the first living person she ran into and with how much he was helping her, even if he had questionable motives. She was having a hard time getting to sleep, so she argued with herself about the dangers of having some strange mage sleep with her until the loneliness won and she found herself getting out of bed and staring at the man on the couch. His eyes were shut, but she could tell he was awake. Even so, she couldn't bring herself to say anything.

"You know, it's a bit unnerving to have you just standing there, staring at me." He said, startling her.

"I... sorry... it's just..." She blushed and looked down. "I feel so weak, and stupid... I can't handle being alone right now, yet I'm not sure how much I want you to be in the bed with me. I... it's not ladylike to sleep with strange men, even clothed." He sat up and looked at her pityingly.

"If you want, I can sleep in the bed with you, without touching you." He said. "I'm not so base that I can't control myself around women."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." She turned and started crying, the stress of the day finally catching up to her and hitting her hard. She felt his arms around her, gentle and protective, and it made her cry even harder. He held her, saying comforting things, until she calmed down.

"You've had a rough couple days." He said. "I'm surprised you held it in this long, really. Come on, let's get you to bed." He pulled the blankets back and then covered her with them as she laid down. Then he laid down next to her, using his cloak as a blanket.

"You're an incredibly good man, Stefen." Jocelyn said. "I could never even begin to repay you for all you've done."

"Psh, I'm just a sucker for a pretty face." He said, but she could see his smile in the dark.


	2. Templars, Wardens, and another apostate

Jocelyn felt a strange weight hanging over her back as she slowly woke up. In the place between dream and reality, she wasn't sure what to think, but when she opened her eyes, she saw Stefen asleep in front of her, his arm draped over her. Part of her was so worried about him wanting more than a friendship with her, but the other part was enjoying the comfort of not being alone. She closed her eyes and snuggled a little closer to the mage, realizing that she could actually sleep in for once as well. What more could she want? A man who brought her hot bread with honey and butter and didn't take advantage of her in bed, as well as letting her sleep in. It was like a dream come true! She started to fall asleep again when he stirred, then pulled her closer.

“Mmm, so it wasn't a dream...” He murmured. She cracked her eyes open to see him smiling at her. “What a way to wake up. In an actual bed, with a beautiful woman! Now we just need to do something about you wearing clothes...” He laughed as she glared and hit him.

“Maybe you should have slept on the couch!” She said as she got out of the bed. “I don't have sex with random people I meet in the woods!”

He raised an eyebrow as he looked her up and down. “Yet you wear that and allow me in your bed? That's definitely ladylike. So who do you have sex with?” He winked as she blushed scarlet.

“I... th-that's none of your business!” She said as she looked for her dress.

“Wait a moment, you've never had sex, have you?” He asked as he sat up. She quickly put her dress on, refusing to answer. “I'm a bit surprised, a noblewoman of your age should be married off by now at least.” A woman of her age? Was she that old? Well the day had started off nice until he woke up... He had a great ability of making her feel like crap. She busied herself with putting her boots on, trying to ignore the man. “Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.” He continued to joke.

“Look, I know it's inevitable so why don't we just part ways now.” She grumbled. “I'm sure you have better things to do than to saddle yourself with some old maid who used to be a noble and now has nothing. I scare everyone off eventually anyway, so you know, I'll just go myself this time.” She grabbed her bag and went for the door, but found she couldn't move.

“Jocelyn, I'm sorry.” Stefen said, stepping in front of her. “And also sorry about using magic on you like this... but I don't want you to leave. I really don't think you're that old, it's just hard to imagine no one would have wanted to marry you.”

She regained her movement and sighed, trying to ignore the disturbing fact that he could control her that way. “That's because you don't know me. Surely you've seen enough by now to realize that I don't know when to keep my mouth shut? My social skills suck. I've been told enough to know that by now. No one wants to accept me as I am, they want me to conform to things I have no idea about. And you'll leave me too, everyone always does.”

He frowned at her, unsure of what to say. “Well let's just see what happens. I have no intention of leaving you.”

“Why?” She could feel the blasted tears coming again. “Why are you so insistent on staying with me, helping me? Why won't you just leave me to die?” Did she wanted to die? It had just slipped out, but she realized no one would notice if she was gone from this strange world. Her death wouldn't matter, she could finally be at peace.

He placed his hands on her shoulder, brown eyes staring deep into her blue. “Why would you want to die?” He asked, shocked. “Ferelden isn't that bad! Starting new isn't so bad. I don't know why I want to help you, but I do. At first I wasn't sure I wanted to help you, because I saw a noble, but then I saw that you care about people. You even care about elves and mages! We need more people like you in the world.”

“Are you sure you're not sticking around just to get under my dress?” She sniffled as he chuckled.

“Well...” He looked thoughtful, smirking. “It would be a bonus...” She sighed and dropped her stuff.

“I suppose there could be worse people to be stuck with.” She smiled. “I know very little about this place, though. Is there anywhere I can go read up on it?”

 

* * *

 

After a month in Denerim, Jocelyn was getting a good feel for the place. Stefen had been a little tense letting her wander around, but she wanted to get another dress and look at some books. She was amazed she could read their language, but that helped a lot. In the store the Wonders of Thedas, she learned about Grey Wardens, the Circle, magic, the Chantry, and the history of Ferelden, among other things. She ended up spending quite a bit of time in that store and the proprietor didn't seem to care. He didn't seem to care about anything, he just stood there, staring... His tone was so flat, too, she halfway wondered if the man had been lobotomized.

When she had gotten to the part in the history of magic book that talked about tranquility, she figured that was what had happened the poor man. She also did a lot of research on Orlais, making sure she knew what she was talking about and picking a place to have grown up. The Montfort family even had their own small book, so she was able to pick someone to be her "father" if it ever came to it. She kept her findings to herself, not wanting Stefen to realize she wasn't from Thedas, although he seemed to be suspicious of her constantly running off, and the fact she had picked up a few more dresses. He mostly stayed in the room during the day, afraid the Templars were going to find him. She asked why he didn't want to go back out to the forest to help more people, but he seemed content to stay with her. Jocelyn wondered if he was just curious about her, or if he really was infatuated with her.

 

* * *

 

Stefen opened the door to the room, feeling far drunker than he thought he should be. He had a bag of food for Jocelyn, but it had gotten cold due to his being easily distracted. He hadn't seen those people in so long, though, how could he have resisted having a few drinks with them? He'd bought them all a round or two, he'd lost count, and regaled them with tales of his travels. He set his stuff down, thinking about what he'd said that night, then he noticed how quiet it was in the room and it filled his head with paranoid thoughts of Templars lying in wait.

"Jocelyn?" He called quietly, but there was no answer. He crept along until he saw the bed. Jocelyn was curled up on her side, clutching the blankets to her chest with them partially covering her legs. Her arms were bare and she was wearing her thin under-dress and pants, and he was struck with how beautiful and vulnerable she was there. He hadn't had a woman in so long... but he'd been sleeping beside her for a month, a constant temptation and she knew it. He pulled off his robe, leaving him in his thin cotton pants, then laid down on the bed facing Jocelyn, putting his hand on her shoulder. She stirred and mumbled, but didn't wake up, so he moved his hand down her side, resting it on her hip, then he pulled her closer to him. Her eyes shot open as she gasped and he smiled at her.

"I... what are you doing?" She hissed. The fear in her eyes made him want her even more. "You're drunk! You should sleep on the couch!" She pushed away from him, but he gripped her tighter.

"It's all right." He said softly. "I won't hurt you." He grabbed her around the waist and neck, pulling her in to kiss her, but she struggled.

"Please stop!" She begged, struggling to get away. He was having a hard time telling if it was reality or if he was dreaming. He grabbed the back of her head and ran his tongue up her neck to her ear as he pressed his body harder against her. In the midst of her struggles, he got a leg between hers, then ran his hand down her butt. Finding that there was a hole in the pants and she had no underwear on made him certain it had to be a dream and that spurred him on more, kissing her fervently while exploring her despite her sobs and struggling. She managed to strike his head with the heel of her hand and the pain shocked him. He stopped what he was doing and backed off, staring at the woman.

"I... I..." He couldn't find his words, so in his panic he put a sleep spell on her. He didn't know what else he could do. She had trusted him... and he had failed her. He brushed a stray hair behind her ear, feeling so much guilt at what he'd done, and what he had almost done.

 

* * *

 

Jocelyn woke up in shock, lying there on the bed with Stefen asleep beside her. Her chemise was ripped and she felt like she needed to scrub herself raw to get the feelings off. She was at least glad to see he hadn't done anything to her after... What was she supposed to do? She had to escape, she couldn't stay with him any longer. She'd have to find a place to stay, maybe hide out. Gather rations and other supplies and take her chances in the wilds, perhaps. She slowly got up and discarded her chemise, pulling out the bag with her dress in it. She would wear the camisole under the dress and go buy undergarments and perhaps more clothes. Maybe even armor and weapons.

She pulled her dress on, pulled out a few sovereigns, then hid the bag in her belt pouch again while putting one of the sovereigns in her belt pouch, leaving the other two in one of Stefen's robe pockets. As she stared at the man, she was filled with confusion and anger, wondering why he had done what he had. Then she was reminded that he had smelled strongly of alcohol... He was constantly making comments about her body, too, so it wasn't a surprise he would want to have sex with her... And then there was the fact that he had stopped. She wasn't about to take responsibility for his actions, but it would serve as a reminder to not be so trusting next time. She could still see the look of horror on his face when he had realized what he was doing... He had done something to her, made her sleep, and she supposed that was better. She combed out her hair as best as she could, then braided it again.

Shouldering the bag, she looked around to see if she forgot anything and saw Stefen staring at her. She froze, her blood running cold as her heart stopped. He looked so confused, making her wonder if he even remembered anything. Tears again... she wished she could stop crying. She bolted for the door, but found she couldn't move. He'd used his paralyzing spell on her again.

"What did I do?" Stefen asked, sounding mournful. "Did I... hurt you?" Jocelyn fought hard trying to break the spell he'd put on her. The last time he'd used it on her, she hadn't even tried to fight it, now she was seeing that it didn't matter, she couldn't break free. "N-no... please, please, I didn't mean to!" He cried. She finally regained control and surprised herself by not moving.

"But you did do it!" She yelled back. "I trusted you, and you repaid me by trying to rape me!" He fell to his knees, head on the floor, sobbing, and Jocelyn wasn't sure how to react. Was it just an act? She couldn't just forgive him, she couldn't get what he'd done to her out of her head. He quieted down and stood up, smiling sadly at her.

"I may not be able to take away what I did, but maybe I can make it better..." He pulled out a dagger and before she knew what he was doing, slashed his palm, spraying blood everywhere. He then dropped the dagger and raised his good hand up. Jocelyn watched in horror as the blood swirled around him and up to his outstretched hand. He then pointed at Jocelyn. She threw up her hands to ward off whatever it was, but it went through her.

She felt a cold blast, freezing her from the inside out and then her mind went numb. Stefen walked up to her and placed his lips over hers, kissing her deeply while holding his bleeding hand over the back of her head. Her body began to feel like it was on fire and she could feel something pulling on her mind, as if he was leeching memories from her brain.

"There, that should be it then." He said, backing away from her. She found herself breathing heavily and felt as if she was coming out of a great fog. She blinked at him, then frowned.

"You... you did something... I kind of know what happened last night, but..." She was confused, it felt like the previous night had happened years before, a distant memory and no longer haunting. Nor could she even remember the details, it was all so vague. She also noticed that the blood seemed to have disappeared and there was no mess in her hair.

"I can understand if you still want to leave. I don't blame you, what I did was... well, I'm probably not going to be around much longer anyway." He still looked so sad.

"Pardon me, but I'm just so confused." She spoke slowly, her tongue feeling twice its normal size.

"Yes, sorry, that's the effect of the blood magic. It'll wear off soon." He said. "I swore I'd never use it again... but this was for a good cause." Blood magic... even in her world, blood magic was dangerous and considered evil. Did that mean the Templars were going to find him? Part of her wished he had left her memory intact, but another part said that it was a good thing, that it was needed.

"What... why aren't you going to be around?" She cursed her mouth and brain, wishing the effects would wear off so she wouldn't sound so stupid.

"My friends last night..." He shook his head and laughed. "Friends, hah. Told me the Templars have my phylactery. It won't take them long to find me."

"And leaving won't do any good..." She said, trying to figure out what a phylactery was in his world. She realized she had just gone from wanting to kill him to wanting to save him, and it made her start laughing hysterically. It was probably because of what he'd done to her head. He was still Stefen, he was still her friend and she still cared about him. She couldn't stay mad at him anyway, not with how upset he was. She would just have to keep the alcohol away from him in the future.

He crossed his arms and frowned, staring at her. "I don't recall this being a side effect." He grumbled.

She calmed down a little, enough to speak through giggles. "I remember looking at you a few minutes ago, sleeping, debating on whether or not I should shove a dagger in your chest, now I'm wanting to save you from the Templars! Oh my word I don't know what to believe anymore... I feel like you ran me through the wringer, emotionally."

"I... I'm sorry?" He still seemed confused.

"Oh, it is better." She said. "But so exhausting... I know what you did, I still remember that you did it, but I can't recall any details and it feels like so long ago, and I'm having a hard time being angry with you for it. And I'm not sure if I should be thankful for the modifications to my memory or not... Either way, if the Templars are after you, there has to be a way to save you." I've certainly seen enough crime and mystery dramas in my life to know how to fake a death. She thought. Surely even with magic... "Well, first off, can they tell you're alive or can we fake your death? I admit I know much less about magic than I probably should."

"I... I have no idea what to think, or say." He looked like he was in shock. "Are you sure you're feeling all right? Did I mess something up?"

"I thought the Templars were after you. Wouldn't you like to try to be completely free?"

"But... you don't even care that I did blood magic on you? Much less what happened last night?" She waved her hand dismissively.

"You helped me with that blood magic, like righting a wrong." She shrugged. "You don't deserve death for your mistake, one that you stopped, I might add. I may not trust you very readily again while you're drunk, but there are plenty of people much, much worse than you who don't even possess magical abilities. I've seen what they can do. If they aren't deserving of death in the eyes of Go- The Maker, then you definitely are not." He narrowed his eyes suspiciously, his mouth a grim line on his face. She cursed her slip up.

"You're not from Thedas at all, are you?” He asked. “I had my suspicions when we first met, that dress was nothing like I'd ever seen before, but you answered my questions perfectly and you even have an Orlesian noble's name. But you know so little of this place, and the way you act... Using god, I assume that's what you were meaning, instead of the Maker... that was the tip off, aside from all the other strange phrases you use. And just the fact that you aren't bothered by blood magic... even most mages in Thedas are, except those in the Tevinter Imperium. Unless you're a maleficar yourself?"

"Well then." Jocelyn sighed. "For what it's worth, I didn't really lie. My name really is Jocelyn de Montfort and I really was kidnapped. I just don't know how, but I'm guessing through magic. I'm not a mage. The money I have, I found on the path that led me to you. The dress I was wearing, I really did pay for it myself, it just took so long to save up enough for it..."

"Why wouldn't you have told me that in the first place?" He asked.

"Would you believe some strange woman in the middle of a forest who says she comes from a futuristic world where everyone is treated equally and illnesses are all but eradicated? Where we dress up in clothing from hundreds of years ago just for fun?" An exaggeration but not completely untrue. "Where I'm from, there are rules about primitive cultures. We cannot show them advanced technology, one of the main reasons for me not letting go of that dress. If I have to, I'll burn it. There are things in my purse that I need to burn still. I suppose I was hoping to be able to go home soon, with you being none the wiser..." He stared at her with a new sort of fascination that was mixed with horror, unable to speak. "Look, I'm sorry, but surely you can understand why I didn't want to tell anyone?"

"Ah... yes... I just..." He frowned. "How do I know you're not lying?" She dug through her handbag and pulled out her cell phone. It was a large smart phone and as she turned it on, found it still had half charge. She turned the screen on and showed it to him.

"This is a phone, it allows us to communicate to people from great distances away as if they're right in front of us." She flipped over to the phone setting and hit *home*. She sighed as it said "no signal." "It doesn't work here... But I can show you videos if you like." As he merely stared at the phone, she flipped over to the gallery and found a video of her driving home. He took the phone from her and stared at the screen, enraptured by what he was seeing. Once the video ended, she took the phone back and turned it off, placing it back in her purse.

"So do you believe me now?" She asked. He nodded numbly. "Is this going to be a problem?"

"Considering I did blood magic on you after almost raping you... I suppose we're even..." He attempted a grin, but she could tell he was still in shock.

"Let's escape from here, then." Jocelyn said. "Surely there's somewhere we can go where you can be safe?" Why was she suddenly planning on running off with him? He could escape easily on his own.

"I can run for the rest of my life, but as long as they have my phylactery, I will never be free." He sighed. "They will find me eventually. Only this time, they'll have the evidence needed to put me to death. They don't even need evidence, really. They can just kill me and claim I tried to use blood magic against them and they'll be justified."

"There has to be something we can do." She started pacing. "I just... I hate lives being thrown away like this. You're not a bad person, you've just had a rough life, condemned from birth just for existing..."

"There's another apostate staying nearby, we could ask him for help." Stefen grabbed his robe and threw it on. "He's been avoiding the Templars for years, I think." The sound of coins jingling in his pocket caught his attention and he saw the sovereigns that she had put in his robe. He stared at Jocelyn. "How many do you have?" He asked quietly.

She blushed and looked away. "I... I would prefer not to tell anyone."

"Maker help us, you're probably richer than half the nobility here, aren't you?" He shook his head angrily and then stormed out the door. She quickly followed, absolutely confused again.

"Look, would you tell someone you barely know how much money you have?" She asked. "I'm more than willing to share, you don't have to be so angry about it."

He stopped and looked at her. "I'm sorry, it's just... infuriating. Here you are, rolling in more coin I've ever seen in my life, no one really after you, and I'm running for my life without a hope. It's just not fair!"

"I have plans, you aren't completely hopeless." She said, but he shook his head.

"Pardon me if I don't believe you." He said. "Let's just find the other apostate. He might know what to do." He hurried his steps as they entered the market place, and Jocelyn spotted some men in shining silver armor with a flaming sword and wreath emblazoned on their chests. If she were to suspect anyone of being a Templar, it'd be them, and she didn't want to gain their attention. Jocelyn followed Stefen down a few back alleys until they came to a battered old door. He knocked and waited. Jocelyn was starting to wonder if they should give up when the door creaked open a crack.

"Yes?" A male voice, a pleasant tenor, asked. Jocelyn couldn't see the speaker, though, for it was far too dark.

"Anders? It's just me, Stefen." The door flew open and they were ushered inside. The other mage was taller with blond hair tied back in a ponytail. Jocelyn was intrigued by the golden hoop earring in his right ear, wondering if it meant the same thing in

Ferelden as it did in the US. He was wearing a similar robe to Stefen, as well, only in green instead of blue

"Well met, Stefen!" The mage smiled. "And who would your lovely companion be?" He looked at her through half slit eyes as he kissed her hand, smirking. She blushed and looked down.

"This is Jocelyn de Montfort." Stefen paused, then continued, "She's from Orlais, but she's on the run. I found her in South Reach, she'd been kidnapped and left there. Those bloody nobles..."

"A noble, eh?" Anders raised an eyebrow. "And what makes you so certain this one is trustworthy, Stefen? Just because she was kicked out of Orlais doesn't mean she's one of us now!"

"You can trust me, right? Take my word for it." Stefen shrugged. "She's more than proved herself."

Anders didn't look like he believed him. "So what brings you here? Surely you didn't come here just to show off your Orlesian noble lover!" Jocelyn blushed, more with anger than shame. If only he knew...

"Actually, Miranda over at the Gnawed Noble overheard some Templars talking about my phylactery." Stefen sighed and showed Anders his palm, causing Anders to cross his arms and glare at Stefen.

"They'll kill you, you know." Anders said. "If they have your phylactery, there isn't much I can do for you. You can run, but you can't hide!" His voice was thick with sarcasm. "I can't be seen with you, either, or the Templars will have my head. Literally."

"What if we fake his death?" Jocelyn asked. "Or will they be able to tell he's still alive? We can toss him over the wall and into the river, provided he can swim..."

"And she speaks!" Anders said. "And without an Orlesian accent..."

"Yes, yes, I know..." Jocelyn grumbled. She'd have to pick a different story or forever hear about how her accent was wrong.

"That might actually work, but you can't expect me to help with that."

"No, of course not!" Stefen said. "I wouldn't dream of getting you near the Templars. I was just... hoping there was something else we could do instead. You've escaped the Templars a lot."

"I've escaped the tower a lot. Seven times, to be exact, so no, I'm not good at evading them." Anders laughed. "Otherwise I wouldn't have had to escape seven times!" Stefen's expression fell, so Jocelyn put a comforting hand on his back.

"It's not fair." Jocelyn said. "I know I'm preaching to the choir, but I can't stand the idea that people can't be free because of how they were born. I have seen what non-magical people have done, and it's pretty deplorable, whereas I have been helped through blood magic."

Anders' eyes widened. Turning to Stefen, he asked, "What did you do to her?"

"It's not what you think!" Stefen sounded worried and Jocelyn was reminded that other mages didn't even like blood magic, so she'd have to be careful mentioning it next time. "I just modified a certain memory."

"It's all right, Anders." Jocelyn said. "I can recall the memory he modified, but it's not traumatic anymore. As if it happened a long time ago instead of last night. It's better this way." She could tell Anders was still disturbed, though. "Maybe we should just go, Stefen. We shouldn't get this man involved in this mess. It's too dangerous."

"I... you're right." Stefen looked down at the floor in defeat. "Thank you anyway, Anders. Perhaps we'll meet again..."

"Sorry I couldn't be of more help.” Anders said, his voice quiet and tired. “May the Maker watch over you.”

"I'll need it." Jocelyn glanced back as they left the building to see Anders watching them leave. He smiled at her as he shut the door and she wondered what they were going to do. They managed to make it back to the room without incident and Jocelyn sighed in relief. As she looked around, however, she started to feel strange, as if the world was jumping around in front of her, so she brushed past Stefen to go lie down on the bed, burrowing her head under a pillow in an attempt to stop the world from spinning.

“Are you all right?” Stefen asked, putting a hand on her back.

“No.” Came the muffled reply. “I feel sick, disoriented, almost like I don't know which way is up or down...” She kept getting waves of emotions and wondered if it had to do with his messing with her head. She never reacted to medication right, what if her brain was different enough that his blood magic wouldn't have worked properly either? She felt him sit on the bed next to her and for a split second she felt extreme panic as he put his hands on her back, but then it vanished. She could feel a strange sensation spreading through her and wondered what magic he was working on her. Things started to calm down, the world stopped spinning, and her nausea faded away to nothing.

Peeking out from under the pillow, she looked up at him. “Did you heal me?” She asked.

“I... think so.” He seemed confused. “But I'm not sure what was wrong.”

“I think it was the blood magic you did on me this morning.” She sighed as she sat up.

He crossed his arms and stared at her. “While I admit I've never done that particular spell before, I can't imagine it causing problems like that!”

“You wouldn't believe how many times I've been told that by doctors!” Jocelyn laughed. “Well, whatever it was, you seemed to have fixed it.”

“Maybe you're not really human.” He said. “You are, after all, from a different world...” She frowned and stared at her hands in her lap. How many times had she felt like an alien even in her own world? Now she was one, essentially. Someone from a different time and place, someone who didn't belong in Thedas. The thought that she could call herself an alien and mean it left her feeling cold inside, like a great weight of ice had dropped into her stomach. Before she knew it she was crying again. Stefen held her tight, and she wondered why he had stuck by her for so long, even though it'd only been maybe a month. It had been a month of almost constant companionship.

“Why are you crying again?” He asked. “Is something else wrong?”

“I'm an alien!” She sobbed. “For once, I'm an alien... after years of just feeling like one, I really am one now! And while I suppose I should be glad my feelings are finally validated, I just feel more alone than ever before...”

“But you're not alone, I'm here.” He kissed the top of her head and she felt a rush of emotions, not all of which were negative. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight.

“I keep feeling like you're going to leave me too.” She said, calming down a little. “I'm not used to people staying around.”

“I have no plans to leave...” He said tentatively. “But... I can't speak for the Templars. Remember, they have my phylactery.”

“Blast the Templars!” Jocelyn growled. “I suppose I should just get used to the idea of you leaving? I should figure out what I should do anyway. While I could probably live like this for the rest of my time here, I don't want to draw attention to myself. I should get a job.” She'd at least seen a lot of women working, so it wasn't something rare and she figured she wouldn't be expected to run off and get married...

“As much as I don't want to agree with you...” He said. “That might be a good idea. I don't want to lose you, I... I've found that I've come to care for you, try as I might to stop it. But I know I can't stay with you forever, it's the curse of being born a mage.” His voice was full of bitterness and she couldn't fault him for it. However, her mind was preoccupied with the fact that he cared for her. He didn't just want her for her body, then. She looked up at him and into his deep brown eyes. He kissed her, gently, his arms against her back pressing her to him. She found herself melting into his embrace and kissed him back as they fell back onto the bed. She could feel the emotions of the previous night bubbling up in a confusing mess, both fueling her sudden desire and mixing it with fear. His hand ventured down her back, grabbing her like he had the other night and she gasped, struggling to keep hold of reality. He stopped kissing her and looked at her, concerned.

“Are you all right?” He asked. She was breathing hard and trying to regain her thoughts.

“I... I don't know.” She said. “I feel so confused! Like I want it but I'm terrified.”

“We can go slow.” He smiled, brushing that stray hair back behind her ear. “I'm in no hurry to scare you off.” She gave a small laugh.

“You know I've never even kissed a man before?” She whispered, then leaned in and kissed him. He chuckled as he rolled over on top her and she could feel her heart racing as the feeling of being trapped came up again. It was both exhilarating and terrifying and she let herself get lost in the moment as he began kissing her neck.

 

* * *

 

Snuggling up closer with her apostate, Jocelyn didn't want to wake up and ruin the moment. His arms were wrapped around her, the warmth from his body heating hers, skin to skin. What would her mother think of this? Giving herself to a man she'd only known for a month, a man who, on top of it all, was on the wrong side of the law for practicing illegal magics and running from the tower? Her mother was all for doing things proper, and that included getting married before sex. Certainly meant not moving in together on the first night they met!

He kissed the top of her head and gave her a squeeze. “Mmm, well worth the wait.” He said. Jocelyn rolled her eyes. As she looked at him, she realized she could remember everything he'd done to her while he was drunk, but now she a little more ok with it. He had stopped himself, even as drunk as he'd been.

“What do you mean, worth the wait?” She said. “A month isn't that long to wait! I've known couples who courted for seven years before getting married!” He was an impatient sort! But then, the Templars were coming for him...

“And you think they didn't have sex prior to that?” He chuckled.

“I'm serious, they waited!” She laughed. She had been one who wanted to wait as well. She should have, but... she hadn't wanted to anymore. Especially since she had a bad feeling she'd never get the chance again. She got serious and murmured, “Stay here today...”

“You're not afraid the Templars will get me, are you?” He chuckled.

“They're after you, aren't they?” She said. “You said it yourself, it's only a matter of time. I saw them the other day in the market.”

“You sure know how to ruin the moment.” He sighed.

She jabbed him in the ribs and sat up. “So stay here and keep the moment!”

“Tempting.” He said. “But I need to check on some things today. It's imperative that I do it today.”

“Then let me come with you at least.”

“Why, so you can protect me against the big bad Templars?” He laughed. She didn't reply as she got dressed because that was exactly what she wanted to do. She hadn't given up on her plan and if she had a chance, she'd 'kill' Stefen before they could. It just had to work... And if not, then she could at least see him off to his Maker. “All right, fine, you can come.”

“Thank you.” She said. “I...” She stopped, then shook her head. “Never mind, let's just get going.”

 

* * *

 

Stefen refused to tell her what he was doing as he led her down a few back alleys to a small building, and then he refused to let her come inside, saying that she could stand watch for him. While she waited, she looked around but not a single person walked by. She scuffed the dirt with her toe, wondering what Stefen was doing in the building. He was probably talking to another apostate about something secret, she just hoped it wasn't more blood magic. The Templars didn't need another reason to strike him down... they were going to take him away from her, and she knew it, she knew he was going to end up leaving her somehow and she hated herself for it. She couldn't keep anyone around her for very long.

When Stefen finally came out, he found Jocelyn in a quiet, depressed mood. He put an arm around her shoulder and kissed her forehead.

“What's wrong?” He asked. “Did you see the Templars again?”

“It's... nothing.” She said softly. “Just a bad feeling. Let's get back to the inn.” They left the little building and started walking back towards the inn when three Templars stepped out in front of them, the first one smiling cruelly. The other two had helmets on and Jocelyn could barely even see their eyes, making them look like possessed robots. She cursed herself for knowing they'd come.

“You, apostate, are coming with us.” The Templar said. Jocelyn felt her heart racing and looked at Stefen. He'd gone pale and a trickle of sweat ran down his face.

He held up his hands in surrender. “Just so long as we can do this peacefully!” He tried to sound glib.  
The Templar stopped smiling and glared at Stefen. “You've practiced blood magic recently!” He pulled out his sword. Stefen cursed as the blade came at him, but Jocelyn shoved him out of the way. The pain tore through her back and she looked up at Stefen with tears in her eyes as she gasped. She couldn't believe how badly it hurt and she felt so weak. He held her tightly, feeling the blood seep through his fingers.

“Why...?” He whispered, dropping to his knees to better support her. “We're both dead this way!” He gripped her tighter, holding her to his chest. She noticed a tear escape his eye.

“Stay your hand, Templar.” A strong masculine voice with an incredibly strong commanding presence made Stefen look up quickly. A man with dark hair in a ponytail, a beard, wearing armor with twin griffins of the Grey Wardens on the chest, walked up to the Templars. Stefen looked back down at Jocelyn and smiled. She could feel him healing her, a strange tingling throughout her body as she began to regain her strength. She figured the dress was a loss, but as long as they both lived, she would be happy.

“This is not your business, Warden.” The Templar sneered.

“Please, don't let them kill him!” Jocelyn struggled to get up, still in pain but no longer bleeding. “He has saved my life, multiple times, and has helped many others escape the darkspawn.”

“Has he now?” The Warden seemed pleasantly surprised.

“Don't listen to her, she's probably under his influence.” The Templar growled. “Didn't you see how she flung herself in front of my sword to save him?”

“A sword that you swung without thought.” The Warden said.

“I'm not under any influence, I am my own person!” Jocelyn pleaded.

“She appears to be telling the truth.” The Warden said, amused. “Look at her eyes.”

“But he's a maleficar! He has a mark on his palm!”

“He did it to help me!” Jocelyn was standing now and glaring at the Templar.

“The law is the law, woman!” The Templar pulled his hand up as if to strike her.

“Enough.” The Warden said. “What have you to say for yourself, mage?”

Stefen stood up and tried to look confident, but Jocelyn could see him shaking. “I won't deny I escaped the tower, and that I've dabbled in blood magic, but only because it was the only way. I have never harmed anyone with my magic, I swear!”

“And would you be willing to continue to help people with your magic?” The Warden asked. He seemed amused again, as if he knew some secret joke that he wasn't sharing.

“Of course!” Stefen said, confused.

“No, out of the question!” The Templar growled. “This mage must pay for his crimes!”

“Then he can do so by fighting the darkspawn. I hereby conscript this mage into the Wardens.” The Templar was furious, shaking with anger, but he sheathed his sword, glaring at the Warden.

“Get him out of this city now, then. I never want to see him again.” The Templar turned and stormed off. Jocelyn turned and hugged Stefen tightly. He hesitated, then returned the hug. He glanced up and saw Anders leaning against a building, smiling at him.

“Come, you should get your things and say your goodbyes, then we'll leave for Ostagar.” The Warden said. “I am Duncan, warden-commander. And you are?”

“My name is Stefen, ser.” He looked at Jocelyn. “And this is Jocelyn... who I suppose must stay here...”

“Unless she can fight darkspawn, that would be best.”

“It's all right, Stefen.” Jocelyn said, wiping her eyes. “You can live now. Or at least, longer and doing good things. I'll keep an eye out for you. Perhaps you can come back one of these days to visit!”

“It was an honor to meet you, Jo.” He kissed her lightly on the forehead. “Stay safe.” She watched as he and Duncan walked off, feeling far too alone. She was so glad she had come, so glad that she had been able to save his life, but it hurt so badly to watch him walking away, worse than the sword in her back. She couldn't imagine what would have happened had she not come. Would he have escaped the Templars? Or would he have been struck down, and she would just be left to wonder at his fate? She shuddered and decided it would be better for her to find a place to live, perhaps even find a job. She had to do something to occupy her mind, keep her from succumbing to depression.

As she turned to head back to the inn, she saw Anders watching her. She walked over to the man and he nodded in greeting.

“So, we meet again.” He said. “Would that it could be under better circumstances.”

“The Wardens will take care of him.” Jocelyn said, remembering what she read about them. “I'm just not sure about the darkspawn, you know?” She laughed.

“You surprised me when you took a blade for him.” Anders said. “You must really love him.”

“He's been an amazing friend.” She said. “But... we weren't really lovers... We would have been, in time I think, but... not now...” She shrugged. She couldn't qualify them as lovers if they'd only just had sex without even really declaring their love for one another. He had said he cared about her, but... She was still confused about how she felt about the mage and the thoughts were just making her more depressed.

“I just want to live in a world where a mage doesn't have to worry about falling in love, or who he falls in love with.” Anders' tone had turned angry.

“Surprisingly enough, it's difficult with nobility as well.” Jocelyn sighed. “Daughters especially have no say in who they're married off to, they can only pray it's not some old lecher... Can you imagine, a noble woman run off with an apostate?” She laughed. “I wish there was a world where any two people could fall in love and be together.” Dammit, she didn't want to be alone. He had kept her bed warm with her, but she had resisted becoming his lover until it had been almost too late. At least she was able to give him that one last night together... She had started feeling for the man, enough to want to share her first time with him. Now she almost wished she had given in earlier so they could have had more time together as a couple.

“Would a noble woman ever be able to care for an apostate?” Anders asked, sounding a bit disgusted.

“Of course!” Jocelyn said, surprised. “Why not? Mages aren't some monster to be feared!”

“Even though he did blood magic on you?”

“It was... It was a good thing.” She said, though she didn't really believe it. “It wasn't the blood magic that was the problem, it was the drunkard who tried to rape me...” She looked away and clenched her fists. “The blood magic took away the trauma, and made it easier for me to go on with life.” She was lying, the feelings, and the memory, had come back and were still with her quite vividly, but it hadn't been hard to deal with with Stefen, with how nice he'd been about everything else. And now... now that he was gone, she could easily forgive him. She didn't feel like Anders needed to know that, however.

“I think I can see why Stefen was so enamored with you.” Anders said, smirking. “Any woman who could accept a blood mage without fear is a rare thing indeed.”

“Yeah well, a whole lotta good that did either of us, eh?” She couldn't even smile. She knew there was nothing she could have done, with how things transpired, but she wished her plan had been enacted, then Stefen wouldn't have been marched off to fight darkspawn...

“Come on, I'll buy you a drink.” Anders said, gesturing towards the inn. Jocelyn shrugged then walked beside the apostate. He was probably feeling upset over the loss of Stefen as well, something that he was in danger of facing himself. He said the Templars had found him six times before, how long would it be, how many more times could they capture him, before they accused Anders of blood magic and executed him in the streets? At the bar, Anders pulled out a silver, barely enough for two drinks, so Jocelyn bought a jug and some food and took Anders back to her room. She was glad to see she had remembered to hide her things again, as she didn't want anyone else to find out where she was from, or how much money she had. He looked around the room and raised an eyebrow.

“So this is where you were staying with Stefen.” He said. “Did you make the poor man sleep on the couch?” He chuckled, looking at the couch that he would barely fit on.  
Jocelyn laughed. “No, we shared the bed. I'm not completely cruel... although...” She sighed. She had been cruel to him, letting him sleep next to her for a month while she was scantily clad, and never letting him touch. “It wasn't easy for him, I'm sure. I wish... I wish I'd made his life a little easier while I could. It's never fair!” She downed her cup and poured another while Anders was still slowly working on his first cup. “Some noble I am, eh? So ladylike! Having shared the room with a man, shared the bed even, yet refused his advances for so long! Drinking like a drunken sailor, with a strange man I just met. And to top it off, both apostates, one being a blood mage... yup, I'm sure my parents are just so proud of me.”

“It seems you have a lot of repressed feelings.” Anders said.

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't be dumping any of it on you.” Jocelyn drank down her second cup. “I suppose you did invite this by offering me a drink, though.” She laughed.

“Did you know, Stefen was at the tower with me.” Anders said, and he began telling Jocelyn stories of the tower, and of his escapes and how he had just gotten out of solitary confinement. Before long, the sun had gone down and Jocelyn passed out on the couch.


	3. What use is romance?

Jocelyn woke with a start. The room was dark and she could tell there was someone in the bed beside her, and for a moment she thought it was Stefen. She put a hand on his chest and realized too late that it was not Stefen. The man gripped her hand and rolled over to face her.

“Is something wrong?” He asked.

“I thought... I just...” And then she was crying again. She had gotten attached to Stefen, much more than she'd realized, and it felt like there was a hole in her life now that he was gone. Having Anders in the bed with her just made it worse... as if she was trying to replace him, even though she hadn't even expected the man to have stayed.

“Do you want me to leave?” He asked.

“I don't know what I want anymore.” She cried. “I don't want to be alone... I hate being alone... I hate being in this place where I know no one, where I'm a stranger, where I have to lay low and hide out. I want to go home, but I don't think I'll ever be able to see it again! I'll never get to see my family ever again and now Stefen is gone too!” Anders put an arm around her back and pulled her to him, hugging her as she cried into his chest.

 

* * *

 

When Jocelyn woke up, the sun shining into the room, she was alone and it weighed heavily on her. She tried to go about her business, she even went out to the Wonders of Thedas to read, but it felt empty. Word had spread that the Couslands in Highever had been slaughtered, and there had been a riot in the Alienage in Denerim, where a rogue elf had killed the arl's son and so the entire place was on lock down. Not long after when she went out, she heard news that the Grey Wardens were slaughtered after turning on the king at Ostagar, so she went home and crawled into bed.

The next day she didn't even want to get up, letting the depression settle over her like a black cloud of despair. She didn't belong in this world and she wasn't sure she wanted to stay in it. Stefen had gone off fighting darkspawn and died. She didn't know that much about fighting that she could have helped fight beside him, perhaps even helped save him... so she was stuck to finding a job and surviving in Denerim, a land that was suddenly full of war and death, or she could off herself. Could she even do that? Did she have it in her to just stop living? If she continued to lay in bed all day, she could and no one would miss her. The only one who would care would be the person who had to clean up after her. Maybe she could just go out into the forest and find her death there.

A loud knock on the door burst through her thoughts and she jumped up, heart racing. Who could possibly be knocking on her door? She opened the door, and then realized she was in her pajamas, so she was bright red when she greeted the person. Anders looked at her and shook his head as he shoved his way past her inside.

"You haven't gotten up at all today, have you?" He asked as she shut the door. When she didn't reply, he turned her to face him. "You can't just lay here waiting to die. You should be out there, living."

"I don't belong here..." She said, her voice unfeeling and tired. "I have nothing here. I have no friends, no family, no possessions other than my clothes and I know next to nothing about where to look for work, and now I find that the one friend I did have is dead, branded a traitor, a king murderer, and the rest of the world has gone mad with war, violence and death all over."

"Wow, you're certainly going to go far with that attitude!" He sighed. "Are all nobles this useless? I'm sure they find it quite useful in Orlais, but here in Ferelden we like our people to have a little more fight in them!"

"I'm not even a real noble..." She grumbled, staring at the floor.

"Shall I leave you to your death then?" He asked, putting a small package on the table. “Wouldn't want to intrude on such a special moment.”

"I'm sorry, you're right, I should be out there living. Stefen certainly wouldn't want me to waste away into nothing, especially for his sake." She moved back towards the bed. "I just have no idea what to do, where to go, how to do anything. I mean, I know skills, I can fight some, I can cook, clean, sew, you know, all those things that nobles shouldn't know... But how does one get a job here? Should I just go into a store and ask if they need help? Is that even a fulfilling life?"

"And what do you think is a fulfilling life?" Anders asked. He had followed her and was watching her intently.

She turned and looked at him suspiciously. "Why do you care? I only just met you, I am nothing to you."

"True." He shrugged. "But the other day, Stefen was talking about you. He was going on about how the Templars were going to find him and how you'd pretty much be dead without someone to watch over you. I can see he was right, just not in the way he was thinking!" She wondered if he had gone to see Anders they day he was taken and wondered what was said.

She sat down on the bed, her shoulders slumped. "You know what I think is a fulfilling life? Helping others. I loved seeing the people's faces when I shared my cookies, or gave that little girl a cloak... But I don't see how I can do that when I can't even help myself now, you know? He was the only one here who cared about me, but he sheltered me, afraid I was going to get a knife in the back. No one cares enough about me to even try to assassinate me, or we'd have seen something by now! I'm not that good at hiding! They've probably forgotten about me. And now he's dead, he's the one who was murdered, and there was nothing I could do to help." Even upset she was able to perpetuate the lie. It felt real, anyway, especially after living with it for a month.

"So you're just going to sit here and feel sorry for yourself?" Anders asked. "Besides that, you did save his life. You took a sword for him. You can't be expected to save him in the middle of a battle as well!"

"Why are you being so mean to me?" She cried. "I just found out that my dearest and only friend in this whole entire world was killed and you expect me to just go on as if nothing happened, with no period for mourning? How? How can I just forget he died? How can I forget that his entire order was slaughtered and branded traitors and king killers? You know he would never do anything like that! I don't know who this Loghain thinks he is, but he's not fit to sit on that throne! They claim they retreated because it was a trap, but I have seen enough dirty backhanded political stunts like this to know a traitor when I see one! I swear to you he left the king and all those men to die out there! And now I'm supposed to just go find a job and go on living as if nothing happened? With a traitor making all the rules?"

She realized that she was standing really close to Anders and yelling in his face about things he probably already knew, but he had gotten her really frustrated. She closed her mouth and sat back down on the bed, feeling very upset, but no longer depressed and apathetic.

"I think they should have had you on the front lines, give those darkspawn a good talking to!" Anders laughed. "Or maybe you could join the Chantry, they're always looking for people to give a good lecture." His tone softened as he continued. "You certainly are passionate for justice. I can see why Stefen loved you." He chuckled. "And why you were kicked out of Orlais! Too good for the likes of them. You're lucky to be alive, I think."

"Stefen wondered if I was kidnapped to save my life..." She said. "I need to do something for him, something good, but I have no idea what."

"You'll think of something, I'm sure." Anders said, walking into the first room to grab the package. "As a payment for being so kind as to buy a bottle of booze, and food, the other night, some fresh pastries from my friend in the kitchen." Her eyes went wide and she could feel her mouth watering at the thought. She hadn't been eating well since Stefen had left, she just didn't feel like it. He handed her one, still a bit warm. It was square shaped but had the texture and taste of a scone.

"Oh how I wish I had clotted cream or jam to put on it, and tea to go with it..." She said, then paused, wondering if that was rich people food only. Surely the poor could do tea, that was one of the cheapest drinks ever. Farmers could have clotted cream every morning if they wanted. However, they were in the city, and with how Stefen had treated butter... "Can we? Do you have something like clotted cream here?"

He raised an eyebrow. "I'm not really sure what that is."

"When you set freshly gotten milk in a warm area, not too warm so it won't burn, and then wait until the next day, there's a thick layer of cream on top." She said. "That's the clotted cream."

"I can't say that I've ever had that!" He said. "Maybe if I stop at a farm, I can ask. Milk and butter are not very common here in the city, you know, so I doubt your clotted cream would be."

"On the first night here, Stefen bought me honey and butter." She smiled at the memory. "He even bought a hot loaf of bread to put it on. Best meal ever, I swear. I told him that was the quickest way to my heart... through hot bread and butter."

"Hmmm, that's good to know." Anders smiled mischievously at her, causing her to blush and look down. Were all mages this way?

 

* * *

 

Anders stayed with Jocelyn again that night, talking until she had fallen asleep. He was telling the truth when he said he could see why Stefen loved her, as annoying as she could be. She reminded him of a little lost kitten that had a lot of spunk. Awkward and feisty. He could imagine her walking up to Loghain and giving him what for in regards to the Wardens and Stefen especially. He wondered what noble she sassed to get kicked out of Orlais. By her speech and attitude, he guessed that she had been a bastard child not originally raised as a noble, which would make sense since she even said she wasn't a real noble anyway. He figured she was safe enough in Denerim, as long as the Blight didn't take them all. With the Bannorn under attack from Loghain, though, he wasn't sure what he was more worried about; the Blight or the civil war. Jocelyn was certainly not the only one to call Loghain a throne stealing king killer.

He looked down at her sleeping beside him and wondered why he had come back to talk to her after he found out about the Wardens. She had said she and Stefen weren't lovers, but he knew that Stefen loved her, and he could tell by how she spoke of him that she cared deeply for Stefen as well. So why hadn't they been lovers? Was it her noble idea that she shouldn't sleep with a man outside of marriage, despite somehow being comfortable with a strange man while in her sleeping clothes, clothes that barely covered anything? As a mage, they couldn't take the chance to get married and quick flings were most common, with no one getting attached. It was a wonder Stefen never tried anything with Jocelyn. Unless... What if the drunkard was Stefen? It might explain some of the feelings she was bottling up. He still didn't think it was good that Stefen had modified the memory, because feelings should be dealt with, not hidden. But since Stefen didn't make the memory go away, only repressing it, it would eventually come back.

He stared at her for a moment longer, then leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips before getting up to leave. He heard her moan, though it was more of a whine, really, so he turned back to her. Her eyes were still closed, but her hand had found his and she wrapped her fingers in his, smiling softly in the dim light of the candle. So innocent looking in sleep, so trusting with how she was just lying there, barely clothed. If a man were with her for a month like that, a bit too much booze might do the trick.

He wondered if she was thinking he was Stefen again. He leaned in and kissed her again, enjoying the feeling of her soft lips against his. They always said nobles were great because of how coddled they were, they had no chance for callouses. She squirmed a little so he pulled away to see her pouting. He ran his fingers down her cheek and across her collarbone, letting a little electricity make the touch a little more exhilarating, and she gasped, opening her eyes and staring at him fearfully. He pulled his hand away and just looked at her, letting her decide what to do next, much like one would do with a wild animal. He could tell she was confused, but he didn't have many answers.

“Is... is this a mage thing?” She asked quietly, all but confirming his suspicions it was Stefen who had attempted to rape her.

“It's not something I normally do.” He replied. “But I won't do anything you don't want me to.”

“I... I know Stefen kind of hid the memory, but... It didn't actually work...” Her bottom lip started trembling. “I never told him, but I still remember everything, and... I'm afraid.”

“Then I should go.” He moved away from her, but she sat up and grabbed his hand.

“Was it cruel of me... to have refused Stefen for so long?” She asked, pleading. “I... I'd never been with a man before... I was supposed to wait until marriage, after all, but...”

“Did you want to accept him?” Anders asked softly.

“No, not then anyway, but he... I know he wanted me to...” She stared into her lap. “I let him sleep in the bed with me, and that was probably mean enough...”

“He was the one who tried to take advantage of you, wasn't he?”

Jocelyn nodded slowly. “And then he put a sleep spell on me when I hit him in the head... When I woke up, he used the blood magic to make it easier for me to still be around him. He had been drinking a lot, he felt horrible about it... but...”

“And you think it was good for him to use blood magic for that purpose?” Anders asked. She slowly shook her head.

“I did at the time, but the more I thought about it, the worse it made me feel. I never did really tell him that everything came back when...” She blushed scarlet, making Anders wonder what she wasn't telling him. She cleared her throat before continuing. “He thought it was a good thing. He didn't want me to be hurt by him and I understand that, but... well, it's done now. In the end I forgave him.”

“My touching you brought back some of those memories, didn't it?” He asked.

She nodded and picked at the blanket for a second, then said, “I... almost want you to do it again, but I don't think that would be very good. I feel like it'd be like me trying to replace him...”

He laughed. “Your body is telling you one thing, but your mind says another?”

“Perhaps I should just go back to sleep now.” She smiled nervously, still a brilliant bright red. He stretched out next to her, getting comfortable.

“Mind if I sleep here?” He asked, grinning. “Your bed is a lot more comfortable than mine!” He didn't expect her to turn him away, she was far too lonely and needy. It would be insanely easy to use her for his needs... But he couldn't take advantage of her just because she was so desperate for company. She needed to get out and make some friends, but if someone was out to kill her... Could she just stay in a room for the rest of her life, living in fear?

She shrugged. “Just... don't try anything, please.” She smiled and curled up under the blankets to sleep, reminding Anders of a kitten again.

 

* * *

 

When Jocelyn woke up in the morning, she felt surprisingly good and in better spirits, such that she no longer wanted to waste away in bed. Anders hadn't been there when she woke up, but it didn't bother her. She knew he was a wild card and would vanish. Stefen had told her that much about the mage. That day, she went out and asked around for employment, managing to land a job at the very inn she was staying at, working as a serving girl. They worked her hard, but she was determined to be a good worker and met every goal they gave her.

After a while of working and learning the ropes, she wanted to spend her days off lying on her bed again. She had heard rumors that the Circle tower had been taken over by abominations, Redcliffe was being haunted by something while the arl lay dying, Lothering had been taken by the darkspawn, and there were people crying in the streets claiming the end was upon them. What with everything else, she was almost inclined to believe them. Either way, she decided to get dressed and go around the town to check out any new items brought in, because during stressful times, buying things made her feel better. As she perused the marketplace, she saw a familiar looking mage being followed by a man in heavy armor, a redheaded woman in light armor with a bow on her back, and a woman dressed in black who looked like she could kill people with a thought.

Her heart skipped a beat as she realized it really was Stefen and she wanted to run up to him and hug him, but the other part of her was afraid. He was branded a traitor, why was he walking around Denerim as if nothing was wrong? She finally mustered up the courage and ran up to him.

"Stefen?" She had to ask. "They said you died!" His eyes went wide as he recognized her and he gripped her in a tight hug.

"Oh Jo, I almost did!" He said, letting her go. "But Alistair and I were saved at the last minute, by Morrigan's mother." He gestured to the woman in black, who glared at Jocelyn.

"Please do introduce us to your friend, Stefen." She said. Jocelyn could feel an air of hostility and decided she never wanted to cross the woman who seemed to have claimed Stefen for herself.

"Morrigan, this is Jocelyn." He smiled. "She's the one who saved my life when the Templars attacked, allowing Duncan to conscript me."

"Ah, then I should thank you myself." The man in armor said, taking his helmet off. He had a kind boyish face with a goofy grin and short blond hair. "I'm Alistair." Jocelyn curtsied in return, in the Ferelden fashion.

"And since our fearless leader is so good at introductions, I will introduce myself." The redhead said, laughing. "I am Leliana."

"She's from Orlais." Stefen said, winking at Jocelyn, who rolled her eyes.

"Just so long as she doesn't feel like killing me, I think we should be good." Jocelyn smiled at the redhead.

"Is this some sort of joke between you two?"

"Jocelyn was... kidnapped from Orlais and dropped here in Ferelden." Stefen said. "I found her wandering around South Reach. Though since no one has seemed to have done you in, I'm guessing assassins are off the table then." Leliana raised her eyebrows in surprise, but didn't say anything.

"I'm guessing so." Jocelyn said. "I've got myself a job now, at the inn. It gets me by. But you, you guys have your work cut out for you, what with the Wardens being branded traitors by a king killer." She spat to show her disgust. "Like anyone can believe that man retreated for any reason other than to take the throne himself."

"It warms my heart to see there are still people who believe in us." Alistair smiled at her.

"We need to keep moving, or I'd stay and chat more, Jo." Stefen said. "Maybe later, though. We're... trying to find a cure for the arl of Redcliffe. Turns out his son is a mage and made a deal with a demon to save his father, who was poisoned by an agent of Loghain's and... well, it's a long complicated story."

"I'll be here... At least, I'm not planning on going anywhere. I wish you the best of luck, and may the Maker watch over you." She smiled at the group, then bowed as they walked by.

"It was nice to meet you." Leliana said.

"And you too." Jocelyn was excited. She wanted to run to tell Anders that Stefen was alive, but she didn't know where the man lived anymore. He was constantly on the move, so she would have to wait for him to come to her. Maybe if she was lucky, it would be sooner than later.

 

* * *

 

Jocelyn had just gotten ready for bed, exhausted, when a knock at the door caused her to jump and crash into the table. Biting her tongue to keep from yelling obscenities, she hobbled to the door.

"Who is it?" She asked.

There was a pause, then a muffled voice said, "Anders." She quickly opened the door to let the man in. He gave her a quizzical look as he walked in, then handed her a warm bag full of bread.

"Oh Anders, you didn't have to." She exclaimed. When he handed her a small thing of butter and another thing of honey, she wanted to kiss him, but she restrained herself.

"You seem awfully happy today." He said, pulling out a piece of bread.

"I saw Stefen today!" She exclaimed. "He was with a small group of fighters and they're trying to find a cure for Arl Eamon. I just can't believe he's actually alive!"

Much to her surprise, Anders didn't seem to care at all. "I wish them luck, then." He said as he bit into his bread.

"Are you all right?" She asked. "I thought you would have been happier to hear your friend is alive."

He smiled at her, but she could tell it was forced. "Don't mind me, it's been a long day. Just because we're in a Blight and the tower just got destroyed doesn't mean Templars stop doing their jobs, after all!"

"Are they after you still?" She asked, worried. "If you want, you can hide out here for a while."

"Oh, you missing having the constant company of an apostate, are you?” He grinned.

She blushed. “What? No, no, it's not that, I just thought...”

“It's the bread, isn't it? You just like me for my food.” He was having fun with her and she knew it. She quickly bit into the bread she had slathered with honey and butter, blushing even more.

“You just remember me telling you about the quickest way to my heart...” She grumbled. “It's not fair.”

“Anything for you, my dear!” She continued to glare at the man who then proceeded to ignore her. She busied herself with the bread, then remembered the bottle of mead a patron had given her a few days before. She went into the bedroom and brought it out, along with two cups.

“No reason not to drink this now!” She said, pouring Anders a cup.

He sipped it. “Mmm, and what did you do to get your hands on something this fine?” He asked.

“Nothing like what you're probably thinking!” Jocelyn growled, then shrugged. “I actually don't know what I did. A patron handed it to me one night and told me, 'thank you, m'lady, wonderful party.' Then he wobbled off. I was surprised he didn't pass out, or crash into the wall with how drunk he was!”

“Well then, thank you to the drunkard!” Anders raised his glass, then drank it down. Jocelyn savored her cup, enjoying the sweet honey drink. It didn't burn like whiskey did and it was a lot more pleasant than wine. Before she knew it, they had drunk the entire bottle and she was feeling so tired and lightheaded.

 

* * *

 

Anders watched Jocelyn as she began to lean in her chair. “I... think, bed.” Her words were slurred and he knew they'd both had too much to drink, especially as she had started giggling. He at least could handle it better than she was, so he stood up and tried to help her to the bed, crashing into the wall as he went, making her giggle harder. As he helped her into bed, she pulled him down on top of her, smiling as her hands caressed his back. The temptation to take advantage of her was strong and the next thing he knew, he found himself kissing her. There was an urgency as she kissed him back, bringing her legs up along his sides, resting her feet over his butt while he crouched over her.

His mind was yelling that it was a mistake, he shouldn't take advantage of her, but he was having a hard time stopping while she was so willing. He stood over her and began unbuttoning her blouse, gently pushing it away to reveal her breasts. He ran his fingers over her nipples, causing them to stand erect, and enjoyed feeling her squirm under his body. He began kissing her mouth again as he ran his hand down, under her pants, under her underwear, using electricity to help pleasure her. She gasped and gripped his arms tightly, suddenly afraid again as she stared at him. He rested his hand between her legs and raised an eyebrow.

“Have you decided you don't want what you started?” He asked, smirking. He doubted she had ever gotten so inebriated before. Perhaps she had never been touched by a man before either, aside from what Stefen had done, and then there was a good chance she wouldn't even remember this night... He maneuvered his fingers to just barely enter her, and she gasped again, gripping him tighter and squirming, yet she still said nothing so he pushed a finger into her and kissed her breast, running his tongue over her nipple while he worked her with his hand. He pulled his hand out and got up. The sight of the almost naked woman lying in front of him made him ache, but she was staring at him with fear in her eyes. It was unnerving, but she just wouldn't say anything and didn't act like she wanted him to stop.

“If you want me to stop, just tell me.” He said before he began kissing her neck. After a moment, he knew something was wrong, so he looked her in the eye. “Can you say anything?” He was growing concerned. She didn't even shake her head, just stared at him. He cursed under his breath, suddenly feeling far more sober than he should, and went back to the bottle of mead. There, he could smell the very faint but unmistakable scent of poison. He cursed and threw the bottle at the wall, smashing it. His body had probably been burning it off, healing himself without his realizing it, but she didn't have magic. He rummaged in his pack and pulled out a red elfroot potion. Cradling her head, he helped Jocelyn drink the potion while using his magic to help heal her, hoping it wasn't too late. He should have known; if he was correct on the type of poison used, it had a paralysis effect.

A thought struck him; over a month later, and someone finally decided to assassinate her? Or was it a mistake, was the mead meant for someone else? The assassin wasn't very good though, as the poison wasn't very strong. Had it been stronger, there wouldn't have been a hope for Jocelyn. He poured his magic into her, calling on the spirits to help. Why hadn't he been feeling the poison? He didn't think he was so great that he could be poisoned without noticing, or was he just that drunk? He didn't feel very drunk. He was exhausted and found his eyes closing on their own. He struggled to stay awake, but failed, falling down onto the bed next to Jocelyn.

 

* * *

 

Jocelyn ached, feeling incredibly stiff and sore. She had drunk far too much and the night had become a blur. As she struggled to get up, she noticed Anders was passed out next to her and her undershirt was undone. Blushing with shame, she buttoned it up, but was at least glad her pants had stayed on. Anders was still fully dressed as well. As she got up, she found a small glass vial on the floor, empty, and wondered what had happened. She had a few vials like it in that pack she'd found, but she'd never told Stefen and hadn't asked what they were.

Something having to do with mages, undoubtedly, since she'd seen a few in Stefen's pack as well. She stared at the vial, then felt a little fear creep into her as she glanced back at the mage in her bed. Seeing him breathe made her feel a little better, though she was still worried. Something had happened, she could just feel it. She hurried to the entry room and saw the mead bottle smashed against the wall, but the door was still secured. Had they fought? Had he injured her? Or she injured him?

She slowly walked back to the bedroom and stared at Anders. He was pale and when she touched his hand, he was freezing, something that made her panic even more. She shook him and was rewarded with a groan and he clenched his eyes shut and rolled over.

“Anders?” She asked. “Anders please wake up!” She couldn't have the only other person who cared about her, beside Stefen, die! She shook him again, more urgently this time.

“Wha...” He muttered as she continued to shake him.

“There's something wrong with you!” She cried. “What happened last night? I don't remember very well, but something happened, something bad!” He partially opened his eyes.

“Poison.” He said. “The mead was poisoned.”

“Are you going to be all right?” She asked. “Did you heal me then? Is that what this vial is for?” She held up the empty bottle and he nodded.

“Yes, you were pretty bad off, almost didn't catch it in time. Too drunk.” He muttered as he closed his eyes again. Vague memories of him kissing her came back to her and she blushed. Shaking her head to clear it, she went to her pack and took out one of the red vials and one of the blue ones and brought them to Anders.

“Here, will these help?” She asked. He cracked his eyes open again and smiled. He took the red one and propped himself up enough to drink it before lying back down.

“Still so tired.” He said. “I think the poison hit me harder than I had first thought, I was more concerned with healing you.”

“And apparently other things...” She mumbled, smiling a little.

“You... remember, then...” He covered his eyes with a hand and groaned.

“We were drunk.” She said. “And poisoned. We weren't thinking straight.”

“Did you enjoy it?” He peeked out at her between fingers, grinning. She hurriedly got off the bed, blushing furiously and refused to answer. She was remembering more about the previous night and had mixed feelings, guilt at the pleasure she had felt, and then the poison making it hard for her to move, but he'd kept going, unaware. She could still feel, though, and those feelings... She'd never felt that way before, with the magic he'd used. He didn't seem like the type who'd get serious, though, so if she did pursue him, it'd probably be a purely physical relationship. And why not? Would it ruin her, after she'd already spent a month living with a blood mage, who had taken her virginity? How much worse could it get?

Then she thought back on the poisoned mead. “Anders, that poison wasn't meant for me.” She said. “That poor man who gave it to me, though... someone is after him.”

“The assassin isn't very good.” Anders said, groaning as he sat back up. “The poison was weak, and not enough of it to be deadly. Otherwise I wouldn't be here, feeling like crap.” He smiled. “I didn't think I was affected last night. The alcohol clouded my judgment and I was more worried about healing you.”

“So you already said!” She laughed. “So you do care about me, it's not just my room you want, eh?”

He winked at her. “A willing hostess, with a great body...” She wasn't sure she could do it... get into a physical relationship with the man, get attached to someone else who was going to leave her. What good could come of that anyway?

 

* * *

 

Jocelyn let Anders stay with her and he would bring her fresh bread every so often, but neither one spoke of what had happened the night they'd been poisoned. There also were no further attempts on her life, proving that their assumption the poison was meant for someone else was true. After staying with her for a while, Anders disappeared without a word for a couple days, leaving Jocelyn worried sick. When he showed back up one evening, she threw her arms around him and cried.

“I thought the Templars had gotten you!” She said. “You should tell me the next time you decide to vanish!”

“You haven't gotten attached to me, have you?” He chuckled. “Or are you just afraid of being alone?” She quickly let him go and walked into the room.

“There's nothing wrong with not liking being alone...” She said. She wasn't sure if she liked Anders just for the sake that he was the only one she could trust, or if she was actually starting to really like him. Or maybe she was just so desperate for some company, even thought she knew he was going to leave her too. She refused to think of love concerning the man, as he'd made it clear he wasn't the type for commitment. “The bed is just so cold and lonely at night...”

“Mm, and you just want a warm body to sleep next to you, is that it?” He smiled, but she felt bad. She couldn't just tell him she liked him, though, not with how he was so opposed to being tied down and would disappear with no warning. She knew that mages weren't allowed to have actual relationships, Anders had made that clear as well. She couldn't let herself get attached to him. It'd be so much better if she were to find someone else to cling to. She sighed as she smelled the fresh bread he'd brought.

“Is there something wrong with that?” She smiled, but it felt weak and forced and so she dropped it.

“Are you all right?” He asked, dropping the bread to the table and walking over to her. “What's wrong?” His concern bothered her. She couldn't tell if he was truly concerned or just being nice.

“Nothing, I'm just tired is all.” She hated lying but she didn't want to tell him the truth either. “It was a busy day at work.” He seemed bothered, but didn't press the matter.

“Then this bread should cheer you up.” He pulled out the honey butter and a small jug of wine. “This wine is clean, I made sure of it.” He grinned as he put it on the table. She smiled for real as she dug out a chunk of bread and put the honey butter on it.

“Thank you.” She said. “You really know how to cheer a girl up, don't you! So, if you don't mind, where did you go? And why didn't you tell me? Was it a Templar?”

“Did Stefen tell you about phylacteries?”

“A little. It's the vial of blood they take from mages so they can track them down, right?” She shuddered, thinking of the tracking device and how limiting it was for mages. She could see the practicality of it too, but she would never limit freedom for safety like that.

“Right.” He said. “I've been looking for mine. I need to destroy it so they can never find me again. I want to be free from their leash.”

“I don't blame you.” She said. “But I imagine it'll be heavily guarded. How will you get it?”

“I'll figure that out when I find it.” He drank down his wine and poured another cup. “You shouldn't worry about me if I disappear again. I don't always get warning on a lead and need to follow it up immediately.”

“I suppose that'll have to do as a warning, then.” She sighed. “I can't help it, though. With Stefen, I was constantly worried the Templars would find him. How crazy was it that they found him when I was with him, and with the Grey Warden right there!” She paused, then looked at him sadly. “I just... don't want them to kill you, just for being you.” He put his cup down and walked over to her, cupping her face in his hand, then he kissed her. She allowed herself to enjoy it, kissing him back, and allowed him to lift her up and take her to the bed. She was glad she was just dressed in her pajamas, taking great pleasure in his gentle kisses down her neck. He quickly slipped his robe and boots off and laid down on his side so that he was looking into her eyes. This time, there was a little fear, but mostly longing and curiosity.

“Are you afraid?” He asked, running a hand down her bare arm. It tingled and gave her goosebumps.

“Yes...” She said. “But it's all right. It's exhilarating.” He pulled her close and kissed her again as his hand went down her back and under her pants, grabbing her butt. She jumped a little, pushing closer to him, and kissed him harder as she wrapped her arms around his back. It was difficult, but he managed to slip her pants off, with the help of his feet, and then he got his pants off. Jocelyn felt her heart beating even harder as she started panicking at the thought that there was a naked man next to her and there was one thing he wanted, and then he was going to leave her... She squashed those thoughts and focused on him and the moment. He slipped her shirt off, making her completely naked and feeling far too vulnerable. He kissed her again and pressed her against his body and she had to remind herself it would be better if she would just stop worrying and let herself enjoy it.

He seemed to really enjoy making her moan, doing things she didn't know were possible, things that Stefen didn't even know, and he used magic to help out, using his fingers to pleasure her while kissing her all over. She felt like she was going to explode as he continued, feeling a great pressure building up, making her writhe in his arms until she finally climaxed. He flipped her onto her back, and while continuing to kiss her, he entered her. She gasped in pain as he rocked her, kissing her neck. After a little bit, the pain subsided and she actually began to enjoy it, the rhythm back and forth until he shuddered, and collapsed on top of her, breathing hard. They were both sweating and out of breath, and Jocelyn felt more relaxed than she had since she'd gotten to Ferelden. Anders nuzzled her neck and she snuggled him back, wanting to hold on to that moment forever.

When Jocelyn woke up, she was alone. She looked around, but there was nothing of Anders' left and she wondered if he'd left for good. She flopped back onto the bed, depressed, but she needed to get ready for work no matter how much she didn't want to.


	4. Stolen children and lost loves

Time flew by for Jocelyn. Before she knew it, two months had passed with no sign of Anders. She made friends with her coworkers, or at least some of them, and started to get more of a social life. Stefen would even show up and talk to her, though if Morrigan was around, she would glare at them both. Jocelyn eventually asked if he was courting the witch and he turned red as he nodded, smiling. She congratulated him and then proceeded to ask him about other things. He said they had managed to heal the arl and were on their way to rally the Dalish elves to aid them in the coming battle against the darkspawn. They would also need to go to Orzammar to speak with the dwarves for aid.

Alistair was grumbling about being put forth as heir to the throne, being that he was King Maric's son, and King Cailan's half brother. Morrigan made disparaging remarks about his ability, or lack thereof, as a king and they ended up getting into a fight with Stefen stuck in the middle, rolling his eyes. He had a tough life ahead of him and he'd already been through so much, she didn't envy him at all. Her life may feel difficult and depressing, but at least she had it easy.

Seeing him reminded her of Anders, too, and she wondered where that mage had run off to and if the Templars had taken him... As time went by, however, she started to get more and more nausea throughout the day and began to not even want to eat. In the middle of the second month, she noticed her dresses weren't fitting as well and she realized with a shock that she hadn't had a period since before Anders had left... That day she looked for her coworker, Dona, who was a mother of two, and pulled her to the side.

“Dona, I have a problem...” Jocelyn said quietly. “How can... how can you tell when you're pregnant?” Dona was a sweet lady, but she couldn't help but grin at the news.

“Oooh, been having a secret lover, have you?” She laughed.

Jocelyn frowned, a bit surprised by the reaction. “It's been over two months.” She said. “It was... a one time thing, and I haven't seen him since.” She started tearing up and the older woman looked at her with pity in her eyes before pulling her into a hug.

“Oh my dear, I'm so sorry.” Dona said. “I... don't know what to say.”

Jocelyn pulled back and wiped her eyes. “How can you tell if I'm pregnant? My dresses aren't fitting right and I've not had a cycle since... I feel like throwing up all the time, and it's the only thing I can think of.”

“You're probably right.” She said. “I have a couple of my maternity dresses in a chest at home, you should come with me and see if they'll fit.”

“I never thought this would happen to me...” Jocelyn started crying again. “I was supposed to be married, not get bewitched by some crazy apostate to have my entire life destroyed in one single night...”

“An apostate?” Dona exclaimed. “Did he drug you, or use blood magic on you?”

Jocelyn shrugged tiredly. “I don't even know anymore... I've been so busy trying to forget it. I just want to know how I'm to survive alone with a child.”

“Because it's borne from a mage, the babe may have magical powers as well.” Dona cautioned. “I know some herbs we could use, if you wanted to... you know...”

“Abort the child?” Jocelyn gasped. “No, I couldn't possibly kill my baby! I don't care how it happened, I can't kill it just because it might have magic!”

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean...” Dona sighed. “We'll figure it out. You're in such a bind, having no family to help out. With the Blight getting worse, I wonder if it wouldn't be better for you to head to Kirkwall. I know a few people heading that way and my own husband has been thinking of sending the kids and myself there as well. You can come with us!”

“Oh Dona... I can't impose...”

“It's no problem at all!” Dona smiled.

“I... have a little money saved up, I can help out.” Jocelyn said, remembering that she hadn't really touched her gold. She hadn't needed to, especially since she got the job, but she was still unsure on who she could trust with the information. Perhaps having something like five gold wouldn't be too shocking... “I insist.” She added when she saw the older woman was going to protest.

“You'll need your money, but we'll see what we can do.” Dona smiled.

 

* * *

 

A couple weeks later, wearing one of Dona's pregnancy gowns, Jocelyn sat in the back of a cart on her way to Kirkwall with Dona and her children, as well as a few others from Denerim. Marta, the eldest, was five and Iestyn was three, and they were a handful. Jocelyn wasn't sure how well she'd be able to handle just one, but Dona assured her that she would be eased into it. As the gates of Denerim faded into the distance, Jocelyn remembered her conversation with Stefen a few nights prior.

“Hi, Stefen.” Jocelyn had said. “We're leaving for Kirkwall soon.”

“You're leaving?” He seemed shocked.

“I... I'm pregnant and with the Blight...” She sighed. “Dona and her family are going, and she said she can help me out.”

Stefen had raised an eyebrow. “You're pregnant?” He gasped. “I didn't even realize you'd moved on!” She had frowned and stared at the ground as she tried to decide what to tell him. She wasn't too happy with his assumption she was that clingy, especially considering he and that witch were a couple.

“I'm not sure what happened, it was just one night. Maybe he did drug me, I don't know. I haven't seen him again to ask him. Part of me is glad...” She wasn't glad, she was desperate to see Anders again, but Stefen didn't need to know who it was or what had happened.

“I'm sorry, Jocelyn.” He had eventually said. “It's none of my business, I shouldn't have pried. I wish you luck on your journey.”

“Maker be with you, Stefen.” She had watched him walk out of the inn and could only guess at where their paths would take them.

 

* * *

 

Once they made it onto the ship, Jocelyn spent most of her time throwing up, and Dona was extremely worried. She stayed on the deck when she could, but towards the end of their trip, she needed a healer, something they didn't have on the ship. One of the men on board helped carry Jocelyn ashore, but they discovered Fereldens weren't being allowed in. In her dazed state, Jocelyn managed to get out a few sovereigns and handed them to Dona.

“Bribe him, perhaps...?” She asked. Dona stared at the gold in her hand, shocked, but nodded. It was enough gold to get them all into the city and with the other two sovereigns Jocelyn had set aside, Dona was able to get a decent place in Lowtown to house them all, with enough coin left over that they wouldn't have to worry about food for a while. Dona insisted that they take Jocelyn to get medical help at the chantry, though she ended up having to stay the entire rest of her pregnancy, practically strapped to a bed. At the end of her pregnancy, she was begging for it to be over. She was in so much pain and agony, and she was lonely. Dona wasn't allowed to visit very much and while the Sisters were nice and all, Jocelyn wanted to be out and about. A few nights before she gave birth, Dona's husband came with word that the Hero of Ferelden had destroyed the archdemon and had lived, and Jocelyn wondered if it was Stefen... it would be fitting for him, to be a hero after being an outcast...

She started labor late one night and thought something was seriously wrong. Her body was wracked with pain and then it would ease a little, only to hit her harder the next time, making her cry and vomit. Then her water broke, soaking the bed, and the

Sister on duty had to run to get the healer. Jocelyn couldn't think, there was only pain. She was shaking, freezing, so nauseous, she couldn't make sense of anything. She felt nauseous, dizzy, and in so much pain she was begging for them to end it all when they started telling her to push, that they could see the baby's head. After what felt like an eternity of pain and agony, the baby came out screaming and Jocelyn felt a rush of relief, so much so that she started sobbing. Then she heard words that stopped her heart.

“Can you tell?” One of the Sisters said in a hushed voice, thinking Jocelyn couldn't hear.

“He is the product of an apostate. He should be kept with the Chantry.” Jocelyn sat up, reaching for her baby.

“Please!” She cried. “Please you can't take him from me! Don't take my baby!” She watched in horror as the healer took her child away and the Sisters restrained her as she struggled to get to her child.

One of them shook her head and said, “He must go to the Chantry. It's for your own good, and his.”

“NO!” Jocelyn screamed. She continued to scream incoherently while sobbing, feeling as if they had just ripped her heart out and were dancing a jig on it. She fought them hard, but there were too many of them. They ended up sitting on her as she screamed like a wild animal, still trying to get to her child. Then someone brought over a rag and placed it over her mouth, and she fell onto the bed, unconscious.

When Jocelyn awoke, she was still in the chantry, but had been cleaned up and was in a dry bed. Then it hit her again, she would never see her son... She rolled over onto her side, pulling the pillow to her as she started sobbing again. She had no will to live... let the darkness take her, she was ready for some peace. She had thought... thought that maybe she would at least be able to keep her son, that maybe someone wouldn't be taken from her... but no, she was fated to be alone. And it was the Chantry at the heart of it all, the blasted Chantry that kept stealing her friends, her family... The Chantry who was keeping her prisoner... She was in hell.

She stared into nothingness, ignoring everyone who came near her. Just let me die... She thought. She had no concept of time, she just passed in and out of consciousness, refusing food, refusing to speak. Dona came in blubbering about something, but Jocelyn couldn't understand her except that she was apologizing. Apologizing for what?

“Please forgive me, Jo!” Dona begged, calming down enough for Jocelyn to understand her. “I shouldn't have told them, I shouldn't have and I'm so sorry, please please forgive me... I didn't know!” Jocelyn felt her tears well up again, anger bubbling up inside of her at this woman who was supposed to be her friend. She clamped it down and just closed her eyes, feeling the tears streak down her cheek. She wouldn't speak. She couldn't. What would she have to say to the woman who helped orchestrate the theft of her child? After everything Jocelyn did for her, and that was how she repaid her... After a while, Dona stopped sniffling and left, leaving Jocelyn feeling even emptier, something she hadn't thought possible.

The Sisters were constantly trying to get Jocelyn to eat, begging her, scolding her, but she just didn't have the energy or will. Then one day, the grand cleric Elthina stopped by.

“Hello, child.” She said. Her voice sounded tired. “You should get up, eat. Live. You should not throw away your life like this.”

Jocelyn's face twisted in anger and despair. “My life was stolen.” Her voice was hoarse from lack of use. “You stole my first love, you stole the father of my child, and then you held me prisoner and stole my child! Why should I keep living when you keep taking what I have to live for away from me?” She broke down sobbing, but her tears were few. While she had been drinking, she hadn't been drinking very much. Let the dehydration take her.

“We do what we must.” Elthina said, then the woman got up and left. Jocelyn felt her rage building up. She wanted to take her frustration out on the Chantry, she wanted to destroy them so they could never take another mage again. They would not have her as well. That day she started eating again and after a week, they let her go. She stepped out of the chantry and blinked in the bright sunlight, having no idea where to go. Dona ran up to her, crying.

“They sent a messenger saying you'd be coming out today!” She said. “Come on, I'll take you home.” Jocelyn let the woman guide her. She held no grudge against her, her anger was saved for the Chantry, the real problem, the one who stole lives away.

 

* * *

 

The rain poured down, soaking the travelers as they headed towards the keep, small rivers forming on the dirt road. The mage shook his head, trying to keep the water from getting into his eyes, unable to use his hands as they were handcuffed behind him.

He glared at the Templars, getting an elbow in the ribs for it. He hadn't even gotten to see Namaya, his elven friend, to know if the phylacteries were in Amaranthine. Anders growled, but it was muffled by the thunder that roared overhead. Even the storm wouldn't let him voice his frustration! The Templars hurried him inside, the Grey Wardens showing them where their holding cell was.

He made rude comments to the Templars who ignored him until he got bored, then he sat down and tried to sleep. He hadn't gotten very far when sounds of battle reached his ears. The Templars unsheathed their swords and stood at the ready, but the darkspawn took them by surprise and they were overwhelmed. Anders began blasting them with his magic as they beat on the cell, breaking the lock off the cell door. He toasted them with his fire, watching them squirm as they died. He shook his hands and then turned around to figure out how to get out of the place when he saw a mage and a fighter staring at him. He glanced back at the pile of bodies, then shrugged.

“Er, I didn't do it.” He said. “Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not broken up about them dying to be perfectly honest. Biff there made the funniest gurgle when he went down.” The mage was grinning at him, making him to a double look. “Stefen! Maker, what are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing!” Stefen said.

“An apostate? At Vigil's keep?” The female fighter said.

“You weren't here when we arrived.” Anders said, grinning. “I'm sure I would have remembered such a lovely woman as yourself. We were just stopping here on our way back to the tower. Just a short rest, they said, and now they're dead. Such a shame.” He shook his head sadly as he stared at the dead bodies. He didn't really feel remorse, they had been jerks to him after all.

“Well come on then, I could use your help.” Stefen said.

“Are you sure about this, Commander?” The fighter asked.

“I can't say I'm fond of these darkspawn, even though I'm no Grey Warden.” Anders said. “Let's deal with them now and we can discuss what comes later... later.” It wasn't every day he got to use his full magic power to kill things and he had a lot of pent up anger that needed to get out. As they fought through the keep, Anders noticed that Stefen was far more powerful than he had given the younger mage credit for. The man just walked into a room and killed most of the darkspawn before the fighter could even touch one. Anders was certainly impressed. He didn't even need to heal anyone. On the way through, they ran into a dwarven friend of Stefen's, Oghren, who was kicking darkspawn butt. Turned out he had fought alongside Stefen during the last battle in Denerim, the one that resulted in the death of the archdemon.

Anders wasn't impressed with the dwarf, a rude drunkard, but he had to give him credit at least for being able to kill lots of darkspawn quickly, not that Stefen gave them much of a chance. They at least both agreed that the big talking darkspawn needed to die. As soon as the fighting was over and Anders was thinking about ditching out, a group of soldiers came marching down the road. Groaning, Anders followed Stefen to meet King Alistair. There was a very angry female Templar who warned the king about Anders and wanted to take him away to face execution for the deaths of the Templars he didn't kill. So to spare his life, Stefen recruited him into the Grey Wardens and Anders wondered if that was going to be worse than death or not.

“All right, I need to ask.” Anders said walking up to Stefen a few days after the Joining. “I know you were close with Jocelyn and all, but do you know what happened to her?”

“What do you mean?” Stefen asked suspiciously.

“I knew she was staying in Denerim, but when I was there a few months ago, she was gone.”

“I'm not sure why you would care, but she went to Kirkwall.” Stefen said. “She was... not doing well, and a friend was going to help her out during the Blight. She should be fine, though.” Anders tried not to show his concern. He was the one who had left her, after all.

 

* * *

 

Over the next few months, Jocelyn felt like a zombie, going through the motions of life but not feeling anything. If she allowed herself to feel, she would kill herself from grief. It was still so raw, she didn't think time would ever heal her hurts. She despised the Circle and the Chantry. Losing her child was the single most painful experience she'd had, so much worse than thinking Stefen was dead, and then seeing the pity in Dona's eyes... Every time she would try to go to the Gallows where they kept the mages, they refused to talk to her about her child. The Chantry was the same. They wouldn't even acknowledge he existed. She didn't even know what his name was... She needed to know. She wanted to sneak in and steal him back, she wanted to at least just hold him... But she didn't even know if he was in Kirkwall, or if they had taken him far away...

With her constant visits, she began to get to know the knight-captain named Cullen. He was always kind to her, but like the others, would never tell her how her child was. She ended up asking questions about what happened to infants taken by the Chantry, how they were raised, and everything else, but Cullen wasn't able to answer very well. Another Templar named Thrask started to talk to her as well and while he tried to be reassuring, he too was vague about what could have happened to her son. He also would not tell her, saying it was better that she not know. After a long time of asking, longer than Jocelyn cared to count, Thrask finally pulled her to the side.

“I should not be telling you this, but I found your son.” He said. “Given what you've told me, there's only one infant matching your story. They've named him Tristan and he is being cared for greatly, you have nothing to worry about. I cannot tell you more.”

“Thank you.” Jocelyn said, tears springing to her eyes. “Thank you so much. I just wanted to know he was safe... and to know his name... They didn't even let me hold him.” She turned and hurried away before the Templar could say anything else. She didn't want him to see her cry... She hadn't thought she'd ever spend so much time in the company of a Templar, but she was finding they weren't all that bad. She had gotten so used to going to the Gallows that she was thinking she'd have to make it at least a weekly visit to see how things were going with everyone. At least the Chantry wouldn't take them away, right? The mages she was able to speak with were not happy with how things were run, and many would whisper to her how much they hated how the Chantry ran everything. She could only nod in agreement.

On one of her visits, she saw someone who was vaguely familiar. She recognized him because of the red mark across his nose and remembered seeing him in the market every so often. He had shaggy brown hair and a beard and was wearing armor with two daggers on his back, but wasn't one she had ever thought to talk to before. This time, though, he wasn't alone. He had a female mage and a male mage with him, along with a beardless dwarf. Why was he bringing mages to the Gallows? Was he turning them in?

Then she got good look at the male mage and gasped. He had a different hairstyle and had lost the earring, plus he didn't look like he was getting enough to eat, but she was certain it was Anders. How long had it been? She had lost track of time and had no idea. She watched the group for a while, watched as they talked with a few of the younger Templars and some of the mages, her heart aching for answers. When it looked like they were going to leave, Jocelyn walked up beside the male mage.

“Anders?” She whispered, not looking at him.

He gave her a quick glance, then said, “It depends on who's asking.”

“No one in particular.” She replied. “Just some strange woman who doesn't belong anywhere...” She smiled a little at the shocked look he gave her as he really looked at her, the first smile she had in so long.

“Jocelyn!” He exclaimed. The man with the red mark turned to look, as did the other two.

“A friend of yours, Anders?” The man asked.

“Ah, yes, a long time ago, from when I was in Denerim...” Anders said, trailing off. Jocelyn shook her head.

“It's been so long, Anders.” She said. Looking at the others she said, “My name is Jocelyn, by the way.”

“Allow me to introduce myself, since Blondie seems to have gone silent. I'm Varric.” The beardless dwarf gave a small bow. “This is Hawke and his sister Bethany.” He gestured to the others.

“Pleasure to meet you.” Jocelyn said.

In a quiet voice, Anders said, “I run a clinic in Darktown. You should come visit some time.”

“I should.” Jocelyn sighed. She hadn't thought to ever see him again, how was she going to tell him he was a father? Should she even tell him, and cause him the pain of knowing the Chantry had his child in their grasp, possibly doomed to spend his life in the Circle, the place Anders was constantly escaping and talking crap about? He didn't need that kind of pain in his life, but he had the right to know, didn't he...? She should speak with Dona. They got on the boat in silence, heading to the docks and Jocelyn was feeling far too awkward.

“So what brought you to Kirkwall?” Varric asked, breaking the silence.

“Oh, the Blight mostly.” She said. “I came with a friend and I've been helping her out in exchange for food and housing. Her husband came over after the archdemon was killed. He barely survived Denerim, said the place was almost completely destroyed.”

“That's what drove my sister, mother and I here.” Hawke said. “We barely escaped Lothering while it was getting attacked by the darkspawn.”

“We lost our brother on the way...” Bethany spoke with a sadness in her voice.

“I'm sorry.” Jocelyn said. “It's... it's never easy, to lose someone.” She noticed Anders hung his head a little.

“If you don't mind my asking, what were you doing in the Gallows?” He asked.

“I was... well, it's become a bit of a routine for me now.” She said. “I was... just talking to people, seeing how everyone is doing.” Anders watched her with interest, but he didn't press her. She figured he'd wait until she visited him. She looked at Hawke and asked, “If you don't mind my asking, what were you doing in the Gallows? When I saw two mages walking in, I thought for certain you were turning them in!”

“Oh we're just trying to raise enough money for our expedition to the Deep Roads.” Varric said, smiling.

“Oh? The Deep Roads?” Jocelyn had read about them, they were the underground roadways the dwarves had dug, that happened to be the tunnels the darkspawn crawled out of. She knew the dwarves were in constant battle with the darkspawn and had lost many thaigs to the creatures. Why they would want anything to do with the Deep Roads, she had no idea.

“Yes, Anders has provided us with his Grey Warden maps of the area, and with his skills as a Warden, we shouldn't be in too much danger.” Hawke said. Jocelyn's eyes went wide.

“You too?” She exclaimed. “First Stefen, now you... Don't tell me, the Templars caught you and you were somehow saved by a Warden...”

Anders gave a hollow laugh. “Yes, actually. Only it was Stefen who saved me. Did you know he's the Warden Commander now? The Hero of Ferelden!” Jocelyn's mouth opened in surprise.

“Well isn't that just fitting!” She said. “I bet he thought it was great to be able to save a fellow apostate from the hands of the Templars... Almost as if repaying Duncan... I'm not surprised he's the Hero, either. I'm glad for him. He came and saw me shortly before I left. He wasn't sure he was going to survive at all. Was he still with Morrigan? She seemed awfully attached to him.”

“You know, he told me a funny story about her once...” Anders said, chuckling. “The night before they marched to Denerim? She told him he was going to be the father of her child and then disappeared!” Jocelyn frowned.

“I wonder why she would run off, was she afraid?” Jocelyn asked quietly, then looked at Anders. “I know how the Circle deals with mage children, but would they have told you if you ever had any?” She was suddenly a bit curious to know if he'd had any other children.

He shrugged. “None of the women I slept with ever got pregnant. We were pretty careful about that in the tower.”

“I can't really imagine you as a father.” Jocelyn said. “Would you have even wanted to know?” He gave her a strange look, as if trying to decide what her motive for asking would be.

“I would like to know, yes.” He said.

“I imagine it would be hard, though, since they take the babies as soon as they're born away, not even letting the mother see the child.” She shuddered at the memory. “I've heard stories... I'm not sure I'd want to know, if I were the father. Being a woman, I'd have to know...” She bit her lip, trying to ward away the tears.

Anders sighed. “One day, we will have a world where we won't have to worry...” They were distracted from the depressing topic as the boat docked and Hawke, Bethany, and Varric got out. Anders helped Jocelyn step out, then looked over at Hawke and the others.

“I... should go.” He said. “It was good to see you well.”

She smiled sadly, finding that the tears weren't going to be put off much longer. “It was... interesting to see you, to say the least. I'm glad to see you're doing good as well, and still out of the Templar grasp.” He fidgeted awkwardly and she wondered if they were both hiding some big secret. “Maybe I'll stop by and visit you one of these days. Until then, Maker be with you.”

“And with you.” He looked like he was going to give her a hug, then backed off and followed after Hawke. She watched him, confused and upset. They had both changed and she didn't even know what to expect, or what she even wanted anymore... She'd gone from never wanting to be alone, to enjoying the solitude.

 

* * *

 

Jocelyn entered the house and looked around. They lived in a decent house, one that had just enough room for all of them, something that wasn't easy to come by in Lowtown. Jocelyn was plotting on spending some money to buy a large house in Hightown, but she didn't want to spend all her coin on a house and not be able to keep it up. She needed a job that paid well. Though, with Anders in town... She looked around and found Dona. The woman was busy sewing yet another pair of pants that Iestyn had torn and Jocelyn was in no hurry to interrupt her.

“I can see you, you know.” Dona laughed as she set the needle down. “What's the matter, dear? You look upset. You haven't been back to the Gallows, have you?”

“I found the father of my child...” Jocelyn said. “I didn't tell him... I don't know how, or if I even should. How can you just tell someone, 'Oh by the way, we have a child but we can't see him or know anything about him because he's the product of a mage?' Especially when the father is an apostate himself, and one who abandoned us...”

“Oh so he's still an apostate?” Dona asked. “I have half a mind to get the Templars after him for what he did to you.” Jocelyn bristled, but understood that she was only trying to be protective. She didn't need to bite her head off.

“Please don't.” Jocelyn said. “I know you don't agree with my stance on magic, but he has a right to freedom. It's that lack of freedom that took my child away! That lack of freedom who took my first love away, too...” Jocelyn's laugh was hollow and flat. She had taken a blade for the man, saved his life, and he ended up saving all of Ferelden, and even the life of her second love... Which brought up the question, how did she even feel about Anders?

Dona looked at her sadly. “I know, dear, I'm sorry.” She sighed. “I've just seen what magic can do and I would prefer it kept locked up.”

“I have seen what non-magical people have done.” Jocelyn hissed. “I have seen countless killed by them, tortured, kidnapped... I can understand some limitations and rules for mages, but to keep them locked up like animals is inhumane. Stealing babies out of fear is barbaric!” Jocelyn was getting worked up again and needed to take a break. She shook her head. “I need to go walk... We should know better than to discuss magic.” Jocelyn hurried out of the house before Dona could respond and found herself wandering towards Darktown.

It was the one place she never went, and for good reason. Even the city guard never went down there, allowing the criminals to run the place without fear. She was glad she left her money at home, lest someone decide to rob her. What could they take but her clothes? Her virginity was gone, and she didn't have much pride left. Her child had been stolen and the man she had loved had abandoned her. Did she even love him still? And how did he feel about her? So much had happened since...

She had no trouble as she walked through Darktown, though the clinic was fairly difficult to find. The sun was setting as she walked towards it, the light barely making it into the windows due to the cliffs. She could see the giant statues of the slaves on the cliff side and it made her cringe. Slavers may not be legal, but they made slaves of the mages, caging them like animals... Animals. She scoffed. They treated their animals better than the mages. She looked up to see she had made it to the doors of the clinic, and Anders was sitting in the back, writing. It was a dingy place, but she could tell he took good care of it and the people who came to see him.

“Nice place you have here.” Jocelyn said as she approached him. He looked up, surprised.

“I didn't expect you to come.” He said, standing up.

“Why not?” She asked. “Because you abandoned me without a word back in Denerim?”

“I thought you'd be better off without me.” He sounded like he actually believed it.

“You thought that? That I would be better off without the man I loved?” She should tell him about the child... “Anders, I...” He turned his back to her as she choked up.

“I'm not the same man you knew before.” He said. “You would be better off without me. I thought you would have moved on by now, found someone decent. If you stay with me, I'll only hurt you more.”

“You couldn't possibly hurt me more than I've already been hurt.” She was bitter and her anger was showing through her words as tears came unbidden to her eyes. “I don't even know if it's possible for me to love again. You... You destroyed my life!” She cried. “You caused me the worst pain I have ever felt in my life, and I can never be whole again because of it. Hurt me... I dare you. Maybe you should just kill me.” She was crying and regretting her words as she said them, but she couldn't stop herself. She crumpled to the floor, sobbing, and felt Anders put his arms around her, holding her as she cried. He didn't know... she had to tell him...

“Jocelyn, I'm sorry, I had no idea...” He sounded like he was trying not to cry.

“They took our son!” She cried. “They didn't even let me hold him! Or see him!” She was crying far too hard to know if she was understood, but she felt Anders stiffen.

“You... we had a son?” He was dumbfounded.

“They took him, Anders... He's the product of a mage and they took him.” She tried to calm herself down, but she started to hiccup. “I was too sick, they kept me in the chantry, locked up for months... until he was born. I tried to reach for him, I heard them say he had to go to the Chantry, but they knocked me out...”

“And you've been going to the Gallows to find information...”

“I don't even know how long it's been.” She wiped her eyes on her sleeves, but the tears were still coming. “One of the Templars finally took pity on me and told me his name... our son's name is Tristan. The Chantry has him somewhere, but I don't know where... I didn't want to tell you... I wanted to spare you the knowledge that your son was caged like an animal at his birth...”

She could feel Anders shaking a little as he spoke quietly. “There's nothing we can do now...” He said. He sounded like he was barely containing his anger. “As much as I would love to find a way in there to break him free, we must bide our time. If he proves to be a mage, he will get a good education on how to control his magic, at least...” He didn't sound like he believed it.

“I keep living...” She said. “But I don't want to. I've been like the walking dead for so long now... I've lost track of time, I have no purpose anymore...”

“Help me here.” He said. “I need someone to take care of the place while I'm off with Hawke, after all.” She leaned up against him and listened to his heart.

“I did miss you, too.” She said. “I never stopped thinking about you... Now that I know you're relatively safe, I don't know how to feel. Did you ever love me?”  
He rested his head against hers. “I cared a great deal for you, and that made the decision to leave you very difficult, but I thought it would be better for you. I thought you would find someone else, someone who wasn't an apostate, to care for you.”

“But now...?”

“Trust me, you don't want to get involved with me now. I'll only break your heart.” She felt like there was still something that he wasn't telling her.

“Anders... why did you leave the Wardens?” She asked. “There has to be a reason you left Stefen and the others. What happened?”

“It's better if you don't know.” He said.

“Hawke knows, doesn't he? I suppose I'll just have to ask him then.”

“Don't –” He stopped, then shook his head. “Don't get involved with Hawke. For all he talks about freedom, I'm surprised he hasn't turned his own sister in to the Templars.”

“Then tell me.” She said. “I can feel there's something different in you and I will find out one way or another.”

Anders got up, looking irritated. “Fine, I suppose it won't hurt to tell you. The one person I know who didn't care about blood magic!” He laughed. “While I was in Amaranthine with the Wardens, I met a spirit of Justice, trapped outside the Fade. I... joined with him. We are one now, I feel his thoughts as mine. I thought it would be better than him inhabiting some rotting corpse...”

“So you're a sort of abomination, then?” She asked, confused.

“No!” He shouted, blue light flashing in his eyes for a split second. “Not exactly. An abomination is when a demon steals a body, leaving the host completely helpless.”

“I see.” Jocelyn looked into his eyes, searching. “You're still you, but you've changed. I don't mind. I've lost so much... anything familiar that accepts me is a welcome comfort right now.”

“My offer still stands, you can come by any time.” He hesitated, then pulled her into a hug.

“I don't want to lose you again...” She mumbled into his shoulder. “But I will, won't I. So I at least want as much time with you as I can get.”

 

* * *

 

Jocelyn ended up spending quite a bit of time in the clinic, helping out, especially when Anders went down to the Deep Roads with Hawke and Varric. She got to know Hawke and his misfit group of friends fairly well. Aveline, the guard. Sebastian, the young confused prince. Fenris, the elven slave from Tevinter who had lyrium burned into his flesh. Merrill, the Dalish blood mage who spoke to demons. Isabela, the pirate captain without a ship. And of course, Bethany and Varric.

After Hawke returned from the Deep Roads, however, he came home to find that Bethany had been taken by the Templars to the Gallows. She had spent her entire life free, so Jocelyn imagined being forced into the Circle was pretty bad. With the money Hawke received from the expedition, he was able to at least buy his mother's house in Hightown, though Leandra still blamed Hawke for his sister being taken.

Things between Dona and Jocelyn started getting a little heated, so Jocelyn moved out, asking Anders if he'd mind her staying with him. He seemed disturbed by it at first, but then relented. As the years went by, they fell into a bit of a rhythm of things and she found herself being drawn to him romantically again. As he continued to show no interest in her except as a friend, though, she didn't pursue it. Then Leandra was murdered by a deranged blood mage and Hawke began to turn against mages, fighting with Anders more and more. Hawke had always been for the Circle, but he started to become far more vocal about it. It was after one of their arguments that Anders went to Jocelyn, anger flashing in his amber eyes.

“I don't know how he can't see!” Anders grumbled. “How can he stand there, saying that mages need to be collared, and then not even turn on me, or Merrill? Does he enjoy torturing us, making us participate in rounding up mages and shipping them off to the Circle?”

“Why do you keep going with him if you hate it so much?” Jocelyn asked. Hawke had become more and more arrogant as time progressed and she found he wasn't like the man she'd first met. She herself had had a few arguments about the Circle and Chantry with him, especially since she had started working for him for extra money. She was starting to think it would be better to cut ties with Hawke, and not just for Anders' sake. She didn't actually need the money, but she figured it was better to be prepared and she didn't need anyone thinking she was rich.

“You're one to talk.” Anders growled. “I've seen you with him, you spend so much time at his estate, I can only imagine what you're doing up there.”

She was a bit shocked at Anders' tone though. “First off, you don't own me.” She said. “Secondly, how would it be any of your business what I do up there, anyway? Never mind that I'm working for money cleaning the place and nothing else! I can't stand the man and I keep thinking about leaving, but the pay is good and it's certainly helped you out! Besides, you're the one who keeps telling me to find someone else, someone who can take care of me like I deserve. If you're going to care about me, at least have the decency to tell me so and stop treating me like property!”

He looked at her, shocked. “I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean...”

“I care about you, Anders.” She said, interrupting him. “I don't want to leave you. I don't want to find anyone else! I want you!”

“You're really not going to ever leave, are you?” He smiled. “I keep telling myself it's a mistake, that you shouldn't get involved with me, but I can't stop thinking about you.”

“Then stop talking and kiss me already.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End


End file.
